Going down on your partner can be very intimidating. We’ve all been there. The pressure is only on you and you’re trying your best to see if what you’re doing is working for them… Just kidding—straight women haven’t really been there because simply through the osmosis of our culture’s obsession with dick talk, we all basically know how to give a good blowie. Sure, some are better than others, but at the end of the day we all basically figure it out.
Then, there’s straight, cis-men and the elusive female orgasm which remains shrouded in mystery despite the fact that half of the population has them. This probably has to do with the fact that we don’t talk about them in the mainstream media–at least, not in the same way that we talk about their male counterpart.
Think about it—how many jokes and gestures refer to getting men off? How often do we see (in relative detail) how to work a penis on screen while oral sex performed on a woman in implied as a partner slips seductively under the covers?
And this doesn’t just apply to how to do it well, there are also many, many references to how to do it poorly. Despite the fact that everyone is different, the summation of all this exposure is that we all kinda basically know what to do to excite a man with our mouths—and what not to do—whether we want to or not.
That doesn’t matter though, becuase when you search “what not to do during oral sex,” the entire first page is tips for giving great (you guessed it) blow jobs. No mention of the vulva or any other lady parts in sight. So I’m here to change that.
Hey, dudes (and the women who are reading this… Or to subtly slip to their partners) here’s what not to do while going down on a lady:
1. Don’t Do Too Much, Too Soon
Oral sex isn’t a race to the finish line, it’s a jog to warm her up for the big game. Going right for the goods from the get go sends the message that you’re going through the motions of seeming like you care about her pleasure, but at the end of the day you just want to say you did it. A lot of women have hang ups about taking too long to finish (wonder why that is), so showing you’re happy to be down there—that you want to be down there—will actually help it happen.
2. We’ve Gotta Talk About Eye Contact
Some women like it, some women don’t… But I’m going to throw it out there that most women don’t want you staring at them for a prolonged period of time. It’s distracting and, honestly, it kind of makes it all about you. For starters, do not tell me you can get into it and get the angles you need to get the job done while your head is tilted up enough for you to look into my eyes. Secondarily, it becomes about your gaze creating a weird voyeuristic, performative experience for the woman who now has to worry about enjoying everything you’re doing to her so you will enjoy it.
I know that’s confusing, but read it a few times. It makes sense, I swear.
3. And Those Honka-Honkas
Again, I can’t speak for all women, but I can speak for many women and say that one the whole, oral sex is better when you’re focusing on the task at hand. And using your hands. Plenty of women like having their boobs grabbed while while you’re getting busy down there, but if you’re trying to up your game then don’t give yourself a handicap. Think of it like flare bartending—flipping bottles and lighting shots on fire is an exciting bonus, but it means nothing if the drinks are bad becuase at the end of the day, you’re there to get drunk.
4. Don’t Be Ignorant of Our Anatomy
Hey, I get it. There is a lot going on down there and it can be hard to know exactly what’s what. With that in mind, don’t be afraid to do a little research! Dedicating a few minutes of your life to learning how a woman’s genitalia works will pay off down the line for you and your partner. No one wants someone to get down there and just works blindly until they get a response. Find out where the clit is. Find out how sensitive different areas are and use that information to make it better for everyone. And if you’re scared of doing the research yourself, just ask.
5. Don’t Be Afraid of Getting a Little Helper…
Most sexually active women have a vibrator. Like, lots of women have vibrators. Don’t be afraid to whip out that vibrator for a little added spice. I know, I know, it can feel threatening to your masculinity to think that your dick isn’t all she needs, but it can’t be all she needs all the time. Sex toys are fun (and can even feel good for you, too) so don’t get too hung up on doing it all alone. Grab that vibe and go to town.
6. … Or a Little Help
And on that subject, chances are that even if your partner is having trouble finishing with you on a given night, she knows how to get herself there. There is literally nothing wrong with her helping out a little. Sure, part of the fun of oral is getting to sit back and relax, but if she wants to do a little something for herself, you should let her.
7. Don’t Think You Know More Than We Do (Because I Promise You That You Do Not)
When your partner says “don’t stop” or “I’m so close,” what she means is “what you’re doing is working, don’t you dare change anything.” She doesn’t mean “harder.” She doesn’t mean “faster.” She doesn’t mean “slower.” She means what she said. Do the thing that you are doing and don’t stop.Oh, and on that note if she’s giving you directions, don’t get all mad or discouraged about it. If she moves your head, let it happen. If she tells you that something would be better a little this way or that way, do it. Hear her, listen to her, and put it into action. She’s trying to make her O better and your life easier, so just let it happen. Seriously, if she takes the time to tell you what she wants it usually means that she thinks you’re doing a good job overall. Remember, you don’t give tips to someone you don’t think can execute them.
8. Don’t Feel Like You Can’t Take a Break
A good sex life includes variety, so don’t be afraid to mix it up. There is no rule that says she has to finish the first time you go down there when you guys are getting down. Break it up! If you’ve been working hard for a while, don’t be afraid to take a break and do something else for a while. It honestly takes the pressure off of both parties if you don’t make cunnilingus a “one-time deal” during sexual activity—you don’t feel like you’re failing if she doesn’t finish when you’re down there, and she doesn’t feel like 1) you’re only doing it becuase you think you should and 2) there is pressure to get there as fast as possible. The slow burn of it is the best part.
9. Don’t Ask these “Big-No” Questions
Open communication between partners is the cornerstone of a good sex life, but for the love of good don’t do it during the act and especially not when you’re eating your girl out. By the way, this doesn’t mean shouldn’t ask before you do things that might be out of the ordinary for you and your partner. It means that you should stop asking things like “is this good?” or “do you like that?” or (the big, obvious do-not-say-it) “are you almost finished?”
Remember how we talked about women being self-conscious about how long it sometimes takes to finish—these kinds of questions do not help that insecurity, nor do they help you get her there faster. The only person that they help in that moment is you to feel better about yourself. These kinds of questions not only take the receiver out of their zone, but they force her to reassure you that the problem is with her if she isn’t finishing as fast as you think she should.
If there is something that she wants, chances are that she will tell you or show you.
You don’t need to ask.
Original by The Frisky