A new survey done by a totally biased, “traditional” mattress company found that couples who sleep on memory-foam beds are having the shittiest of shitty sex lives. Some people surveyed described sex on their memory-foam mattresses as “stuck in quicksand,” “uncomfortable,” “difficult” or even “horrible.”
Well, that sounds terribly unsexy, unless you’re into S&M. But you just can’t trust this study because the market for memory-foam beds has jumped 20 percent in the last eight years, so these traditional mattress companies — like the one who sponsored this research — don’t really have your best, sexual interests at heart.
But we do! May The Frisky bureau of consumer affairs present a fair and honest review of all the mattresses we’ve hit it on.
Serta Perfect Sleeper
Sex Rating: 10
Special Considerations: The Perfect Sleeper should be called The Perfect Sexer because it gives you just the right amount of firmness to get good leverage, with a little bit of bounce. And the soft pillow top is optimal for post-sex snuggling.
Quick Tip: Danger! This bed is very comfy, so make sure to have sex as soon as you get into bed, because it’s so easy to fall asleep before getting down to business.
Sex Rating: 4
Special Considerations: You’ll feel like you’re slumming it, which adds to the excitement. But let’s be honest, something sharp is digging into your back, that thing is dirty because no one washes their futon covers often enough and worst of all, if you fall asleep on it for a full night you’ll wake up with back problems.
Quick Tip: The rooms futons tend to be in are extremely depressing (think “Anchorman” posters and Bowflex machines), so if you keep your eyes closed during sexy times, you’ll have a better experience.
Sex Rating: 3
Special Considerations: We’re sorry to break it to you, but the study was right. It’s like like fucking in a quicksand pit — so good for Indiana Jones fetishists, but no one else.
Quick Tip: Fuck in any other room in the house and then sleep on your Tempur-Pedic because that thing is mad comfy.