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Relationships

Should You Treat Your Man Like You Do Your Dog?

by Vesna Novkovic March 1, 2020
by Vesna Novkovic March 1, 2020 Source: Pinterest
1.6K

I had no sooner finished dry-heaving over my friendโ€™s tale of the ordeal involved in getting her dogโ€™s anal glands expressed, when I stumbled upon yet another articleโ€”written by a psychologist named Dr. Suzanne Phillps, Psy.Dโ€”extolling the benefits of treating your partner as you do your pet. I understand that itโ€™s hard to think about new ways to write about relationships, but can we quit equating beasts with boys? (Dogs are far more loyal!)The idea of using animal husbandry to deal with your human boo is not a new one. Much was made of a NY Times article (and subsequent book) from a few years back entitled,ย โ€œWhat Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage.โ€ย In it, the author discussed how her time studying animal trainers taught her how to train her husband to be a โ€œlittle easier to love.โ€ No word on how her husband felt about being compared to a trained seal.

This latest article isnโ€™t so much about โ€œtrainingโ€ your man, but treating him as you do your dog and thereby somehow improving your relationship. The doctor advises you lower your expectations of good behaviorโ€”after all, you donโ€™t expect Mr. Mittens to blow his whole paycheck on beer and scratch-off lottery tickets, so when he doesnโ€™t, itโ€™s a win/win. Good boy!

Is anyone else puzzled by this line of thinking? How far are you supposed to carry this craziness?

Contents

  • Punishment
  • Pooper Scooper-ing
  • Leg Humping
  • Persistent Leg Humpers

Punishment

Source: Pinterest

When Inky the cat lunges towards the only piece of art in my apartment that was ever worth anything, in order to dig his nails in deep and swing from it, I scream and squirt him with one of several strategically placed spray bottles. If heโ€™s being particularly obnoxious, I lock in the bathroom.

Aside from having to switch things around so the bathroom locks from the outside, why wouldnโ€™t this work on a man? Oh, because everyone knows withholding sex is a far more effective deterrent.

Kidding! Though I have actually tried the squirt bottle. My man was not amused.

Pooper Scooper-ing

Source: flickr

One of the main reasons I donโ€™t own a dog is because I live in a city that requires owners to scoop up their dogโ€™s poop. As a frequent sandal-wearer, I am grateful for this law, but it also means Iโ€™ll never own the Puggle of my dreams because Iโ€™d spend too much time dry-heaving over the content of plastic baggies.

If cleaning-up-after was a requirement for having a man, Iโ€™d send my regrets and stay celibate.

Leg Humping

Humpy dogs get neutered.

Enough said.

Persistent Leg Humpers

Source: Tochka

Even after theyโ€™ve been snipped, some dogs just stay humpy. To remedy that, most dog owners will use a firm โ€œno!โ€ or maybe bust out the aforementioned spray bottle. If Barky still wonโ€™t let go, you can just grab him by the scruff of the neck and remove him, apologizing to your guest (or throw pillow) profusely.

When I saw a long-ago now-ex making out with a mutual friend while he and I were on a date, I used a variation on the scruff-of-the-neck maneuver and it worked. Though while I wouldnโ€™t abandon an overly randy pup, I did leave the man on the side of the road.

One of the more eye-rolling pieces of advice gleaned from the article posits that you should always greet your mate affectionately and enthusiastically, no matter how crappy your day was or how angry you might be at him. Which brings us to my favoriteโ€”never hold a grudge. Would you stay angry if Lola the Lab shredded your new sofa? Well, I would, but apparently most pet-owners wouldnโ€™t. And while I love my animals, I expect a lot more out of my mate.

So while these tips may work in theory, out here in the real world, they just seem like a load of, well โ€ฆ anal gland expressions.

Original by Judy McGuire

animal husbandryanimalsjudy mcguirelove advicepets
Vesna Novkovic

Vesna is a staff writer and content editor at TheFrisky.

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