No one on earth is quite as pleased as a man who has just pleased a woman between the sheets. We love the care and attention you’ve paid to us for our own benefit, but we also love watching you bask in self-satisfaction. But as satisfied as you might be with yourself, sometimes we’re not quite as satisfied as you’d hoped: something relatively minor, but highly distracting, was a bit “off.”

Don’t be offended, darlings, but a few nips and tucks in your bedroom style might speed things along (in a good way)—leaving us more time for another go at it!

1. The clitoris is right there. Yes, right there. Not over here, not down there, not off to the side. It doesn’t move. Try to stay focused and play with the clit!

2. Take your socks off. Not a single thing is sexy about a man who is naked except for his socks.

3. Lubricant, lubricant, lubricant. We may feel “so wet” to you from our own fluids, but we actually need to be pretty drenched with water-based lube for business time.

4. Talk dirty to me. Some women become very aroused by their imaginations, so a little dirty talk about what you’re going to do to us stimulates our biggest sex organ: our brain! (But avoid these 36 words that kill the moment.)

5. Get it wet. If you’re going down on us, make sure to keep your tongue wet with spit. A dry tongue chafes down there!

6. Watch your hands. Unless we’ve expressly indicated that we like our headlights to be tweaked, do not pinch our nipples in the heat of the moment. They’re very, very sensitive!

7. Sometimes a light touch is better than a strong one. And a sweet kiss with just your lips is better than a Labrador retriever-style kiss with your tongue.

8. Nibble away. We absolutely adore when you gently, tenderly suckle on our fingers (or our toes, for men with mouths of asbestos).

9. Stop stressin’. That look of concentration on your face makes it seem like you’re doing calculations in your head, not making love. Smile a little bit, why don’t you?

10. Don’t forget the tits. Nipples should be a pit stop on the way to Vaginaville—get off the express train!