Boobies, tatas, jugs, melons, bubbies (if you’re a “Real Housewife” from New Jersey), there are so many nicknames, and about as many ways to show your appreciation for our girlie golden globes. But every lady has got a story about some boob hound who did her knockers wrong! So, dudes, because I can’t look in those sweet eyes of yours and lie, I’m going to uncover titties for you, well, with some straight talk.
- If you keep sucking in a constant, steady motion, like a baby, and don’t switch up your moves, we’ll get creeped out. Throw a lick or a hand in, or we’ll make you use a bottle next time!
- Even if I like it rough, don’t gnaw off my nipple. A little teeth can give that pleasure-y kinda pain, sure. But how’d you like it if I bit off your nipple? Easy there, tiger.
- In the immortal words of Simple Minds: “Don’t you forget about me!” You can go down on me for hours, but if you don’t touch my boobs, I won’t be satisfied.
- You can rest your head on my perky pillow, but if you try an elbow or an inanimate (non sexytime) object, I will wonder if you respect me.
- Even if my pair is spectacular, and I’m sure they are, you cannot list them among the reasons you like me. Breasts are not a personality trait.
- FYI: Boobs can get sore and feel like two water balloons strapped to my chest when I’m on the rag and/or PMSing. As if those two things weren’t already bad enough.
- You can be excited when I go up a cup size from birth control or pregnancy (weird coincidence, eh?). But please remember there is a person attached to those new fun bags, and you liked that girl before she grew.
- Forget you ever learned the word “saggy.”
- Do not make fun of any other woman’s rack. They’re tits; you get what you get — even if that involved a saline purchase.
- There may come a time when my cleavage may need some lubrication … wink, wink. But under no circumstances should you spit directly at them. Too close to the face.
- Just like when you were in line in preschool, don’t push! Or pull too much for that matter. They’re flesh! Try a nice massage. Yes, yes, that’s it.
- Bras are never really comfortable, even the ugly ones.
- Focus on the nipple. Our boobs are giant tempting play lumps, but stay centered like the pink thing pointing straight at you.
- If our nipples aren’t hard, what you’re doing isn’t working. Sound familiar?
Original by Simcha