Before the invention of the world wide web, before we even knew porn existed, you best believe we were masturbating. And in a lot of creative ways. We feel bad for the young people today who can just log onto their computers and have a world of whack off materials with a single click. “Back in the olden days,” we’ll brag to our kids, “we had to use our imaginations to stimulate our genitals.” Or maybe we won’t say that. That might be TMI. Point being: it was a rush to discover new, weird and embarrassing things that got you hot (sometimes, unfortunately, while staying at grandma’s house). Those 1980s lingerie catalogues were extremely risqué. Wait. Why did grandma have them?
Click through to reminisce about our pre-internet, pre-porn spank bank materials. Those were the days …
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Late night movies on Cinemax
If you were fortunate enough to grow up in a house with cable, and were doubly blessed to have it in your bedroom, you made excuses to stay in on Saturday nights and wait until everyone was sleeping to watch “Hard Ticket to Hawaii” on Cinemax, or whatever softcore porn movie was playing that night. Only you didn’t know it was called softcore porn, you only knew that there were boobs and sex and you liked it.
SIMS
“I would force my Sims characters to have sex in the kitchen and then masturbate to the blurred out image and chirping Sims sex sounds.” –Anonymous
“Where Did I Come From?”
The book your parents read to you to explain where babies come from became oddly erotic at age 13. Especially that page about a man putting his penis inside a woman to be close to her. That was HOT.
JC Penney’s/Sears Catalogue
Full coverage bras, control top underwear and girdles. Mmmmnnnn. But seriously. Hot, young juniors in the Sears catalogue in their PANTIES! A young man’s paradise!
Romance Novels
Christopher Pike books, some weird subscription romance novels that were delivered to my house/purchased for a dime at a garage sale, my grandmother’s copy of Lucky Chances by Jackie Collins or any VC Andrews paperback. The make out/sex scenes from these were all on the wank list.
Self-Written Porn
And them some of us fancied ourselves writers and penned our own erotica. It may or may not have involved “Star Trek.”
Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler or Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue
There was a Playboy stash under your dad/brother/uncle/cousin’s bed and YOU stole the May 1987 issue with Vanna White on the cover and jerked off like mad to it forever sexually imprinting yourself like a baby bird. And that explains why you still watch “Wheel of Fortune” and get a boner and can only come by looking at your girlfriend’s butt crack. Or something like that.
The “Girls Gone Wild” Informercials
We didn’t own the videos, but we watched the infomercials advertising the videos. They were long enough to take care of bidness a few times over, depending on the theme of the video/how trashy the girls were.
Conception Animation
“My brother’s friend used to come over and watch the ‘conception’ animation on this human biology CD-ROM we had and then spend some alone time in the bathroom.” — Anonymous
Feminist Erotica
“I would steal my mom’s feminist erotica book and masturbate to that.” –Anonymous
The National Geographic Channel
Damn, that lion was dominant when he was doing the lioness from behind.
