I’m bad at commitment. Heck, I can barely spell it. However, I do know I’m good at dating. I’ve never said I love you, but last week I gave three guys my number. Don’t come to me looking for solutions to your relationship dilemma, but if you wanna know how to hook up on any given holiday, I’m your girl. So, if you’re single and you’re not sure you really know how to mingle, check out this tough love test to see if you’re better at sewing buttons than your seed.
1. You Can Go To A Crowded Bar And Not Meet Someone
Hot stuff, all you gotta do is smile at some guy and he’ll melt like butter. Bonus points if you can actually get a sentence out.
2. Funky Chicken
If you’re self-conscious about the way you dance, you are no fun to screw. Well, at least that’s what peeps who are watching your awkward moves think. If you wanna do the horizontal mambo, you’ve gotta start by letting yourself get down vertically. Confidence is more seductive than high heels, lingerie, and money.
3. So Close, Yet So Far Away
Do you ever go up to the bar alone and order next to a stud? Luck is being in the right place at the right time, and so is getting ‘er done. If you expect fate to drop a man in your lap, you don’t see how many have already landed around you.
4. Don’t Get Jealous, Get Even.
Do you have a friend who gets it twice as much as you and you don’t understand how? If so, start using her as a wingwoman. And take notes if you like what you see.
5. Mixin’ Business With Pleasure.
You hand your card to guys you want to call you. I have, personally, in all my years as a tramp, never ever had a guy call me after handing him my business card— and I handed out all 250! Same thing goes for putting your number on a napkin. You have to watch them put your info directly in their phone. Otherwise, they’ll lose the card—and you—forever.
6. You’re Bad At Breakups.
If you can’t leave a guy you’re not into, well, then you’re a settler, sinking in the soft relationship quicksand. No dates for you!
7. Just Teasin’.
Are you a tease? If your answer is no, you’re doing it wrong. The brain is the biggest erogenous zone. If you don’t know how to mess with a man’s mind a little, you’ll never be his fantasy girl. And I’m not talking about game playing; I’m talking about straight-up sexy repartee.
8. Dead On Approach.
Do you say hi to people you pass by every day, like security guards, the dude that toasts your bagel, and the checkout girl at the drug store? Well, you should. It not only makes you approachable to them, but other sexy people around will notice that you’re friendly, open, and easy to talk to.
9. Smooth Sailing On The Friendship.
Have you ever lost a friend because they were crushing on you and turning the relationship into something more serious failed? I agree with our Mind of Man. Friends should fall for you and vice versa. If they’re not, something is rotten in the state of your ability to romance. Seek further self-realization.
10. Company Man.
Speaking of your male friends, those platonic counterparts can be the glue that keeps you together, but don’t go out with them all the time. Even if they’re gay, they’re c**k-blocking you.
11. Change Clothes And Go.
Do not always go out in the same clothes you go to work in. I’m not saying you should look like the other kind of working girl for happy hour drinks, but you need to feel sexy to look it. And that’s just not going to happen in that button-up blouse and comfy office loafers.
12. Calvin Klein Isn’t The Only One Creating Obsession.
Upon meeting him are you already consumed with wonder about why he’s talking to you? Does he just want a quick screw? Or is he your potential baby daddy? Will your mom like him? Sheesh, chill out. First, you’ve got to get to know him! See what he’s made of before you go slapping on a label. Don’t stop being a fool for love. You can figure it all out later.
13. You’re A Bitter Betty.
If you’ve uttered phrases like “Men suck,” “Will these guys ever grow up?” and “I’m so sick of men,” well, your mantra is pretty negative. It’s easy to get jaded, but turning to straight-up chauvinism isn’t going to land you one of those guys you stereotype and belittle out of frustration. Your attitude is the only thing screwing you.
14. Don’t Be Afraid To Make Mistakes.
Should I really go out with this guy? Yes, girl, give him a chance! Unless he’s a creep, obvi. And let me tell you from experience, I know dating the guy at your favorite pizza place means you’ll have to avoid going there if you break up. Tear. But that’s no reason to not taste-test him as your man. Sometimes you have to take the risk. Worst case scenario: You’ll have to find a new delicious slice.
15. Be A Lady.
This isn’t about whether you sleep with every guy or not, this is about how you carry yourself. No better test situation than bumping into an ex! Treat them and yourself with respect. Always politely say hi when you see each other in public, no matter what they did (unless it is risking your physical well-being). Especially if you date a lot, you have to be good at making gracious exits or drama will follow you everywhere and ruin your game. Now, we can’t have that, can we?
Original by: Simcha Whitehill
