We’re taking a break from our regularly scheduled “Sex with Susannah” programming to bring you breaking news from the “everything your mother never told you about sex” front. During the course of writing this column, receiving reader letters, and writing about sex and relationships for The Frisky, it’s come to my attention that there are certain basic sex life facts that it would behoove everyone to know, especially the ladies. Find out what they are after the jump!
1. Penises Are Weird
They’re big, they’re small. They point up, they point down. They have minds of their own. For as long as you live, you will never understand them.
2. If It’s Broke, Fix It
The majority of letters I get fall into the category of garden-variety sexual problems. Either he or she can’t get into it, he or she isn’t getting it or giving it enough, and/or he or she cannot orgasm and cannot figure out why he or she cannot orgasm. If you fall into this category: Get professional help! In all likelihood, there’s nothing terribly wrong with you or him, but a trip to the doctor or a visit to a therapist may help you and your partner resolve your sexual issues. If you don’t solve it, you will regret it.
3. Men Are Simple
You’re about to have sex, but you’re worried a) about the cellulite on your butt, b) about the pimple on your face, c) that your boobs are too small, d) that your boobs are too big, d) that you’re wearing granny panties, e) that you’re too old, f) that you’re too fat, g) that you’re too thin—blah, BLAH, BLAH. Here’s a newsflash: Men don’t care. Really. I swear. They don’t. If they say they do, they’re really articulating something about something else, and it’s their issue.
4. Experiment or Perish
Sure, there are some exceptions. I’m sure they are plenty of people out there who like to have sex with the same person in the missionary position for untold decades. Most people aren’t like that. As long as everyone involved is safe, sane, and consensual, or however that saying goes, think of sex as a new frontier that never ends. Your sex life is like a window into your soul, and if it’s boring you, guess what? It’s probably boring him, too. Get frisky and try new things.
5. Communication Is Key
It’s shocking how many people don’t get that you can’t get off without comm-uni-cat-ing what you want. Reader emails have led me to believe there are a lot of sexually unsatisfied ladies out there lying in bed late at night waiting for the great sex life of which they have dreamed to, well, just happen. They’re afraid to talk about what they want, how they want it, and how often they want it. Sometimes, a girl’s got to man up and start the dialogue. If he can’t handle your sexual requests, needs, and insights, I’m sure he can find a nice, quiet, sexually repressed girl to have sex with.
6. Let’s Get Oral
When it comes to oral sex, you’ve got to give it to get it. “Millionaire Matchmaker” Patti Stanger says a man “will lay his life down for a good” BJ. I think Patti is right.
7. Know Thyself
If you don’t know yourself sexually, how can you expect your partner to deliver in the sack? Masturbation will up your sexual IQ. Have fun getting enlightened.
Original by Susannah Breslin