After hearing about the LELO Luna Smart Bead, a small vibrator that trains your vagina to have longer and stronger orgasms, I knew I had to try it. When used for only five minutes a day, the bead helps to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, ultimately making your O’s more frequent and satisfying.

To use, the 3-inch silicone vibe is inserted completely into the vagina, where it progresses through a series of vibrations that become longer and more intense, with periods of non-vibration in between. Using it is easy: while the bead is vibrating, you squeeze your muscles; when it stops, so does your squeezing. Intelligent memory function remembers your progress, and automatically adjusts as your muscles strengthen over time. Basically, it’s a personal trainer for your vagina. So did my vag feel stronger after I used it? Did it give me an orgasm? Can I now break a man’s penis off with just one squeeze of my crotch? Here’s what was going on in my head during my first five minutes using the LUNA Smart Bead. It’s safe to say you can all expect something like this…

:03— Why isn’t it working? I hit the button.

:13— Oh there it goes. Vibration! It must give you a few extra seconds to shove it up there.

:20— I don’t like this. It feels like an egg-sized tampon is sliding out of my vagina. Did I use too much lube? Ugh.

:26— Wait…why did it stop? Is this fucking thing broken…?

:40— WHOA, not broken. I guess that was my vagina’s rest period.

1:00— Okay, now it’s more intense vibration, but still feels like a tampon is falling out. Nothing about this is pleasurable. I wonder if it’s supposed to be…

1:08— Yup, it’s actually sliding out of my vagina. I can see it crowning.

1:10— I bet this is what it feels like to be one of the girls on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”

1:30— It stopped vibrating! Here’s my window of opportunity. *Shoves slippery bead farther up into vagina*

1:41— Why does releasing after vibration feel like sort of like I’m about to lay an egg?

2:12— These vibrations are definitely getting longer and more intense. My vagina’s getting a nice little workout down there.

2:29— Ahh, rest. I wonder if it will make me come when it’s on the highest vibration setting. That would be nice.

2:37— Jesus Christ with the squeezing. This is getting to be a bit much.

2:45— Ooh, my vagina feels really warm. Is that normal or is this toy overheating?

3:01— Actually, that feels nice. Things are toasty down there. Am I really wet too, or is it the lube? Fuck, I can’t tell.

3:10— Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Harderrrrr. It’s for the good of your future orgasms.

3:20— This squeezing needs to be over.

3:32— Ahh, release. I think I have to pee.

3:44— And we’re back with more intense vibration, but not enough to get me off. I’m definitely not going to come from this thing…

3:57— Break time! I’m ready to be done now.

4:05— Ooh, even stronger vibrations. This is getting hard to squeeze.

4:10— Why doesn’t’ this feel good? My vag is tired.

4:28— I think I have an insensitive vagina or something. Or is it supposed to feel like this? I need a manual.

4:33— Next one. Squeeze really fucking hard, because 5 minutes is almost up and you want to feel accomplished.

4:41— Why am I still clutching? I need a break.

4:58— Does this thing keep going after the 5 minute mark, or does it shut off?

5:05— Yes, yes it does keep going. Maybe if I leave it in another few minutes, the orgasm will come…

5: 08— *Two small short vibrations alert me time is up* Okay, or not.

5:20— Booooo. No orgasm.

5:25— My vagina is straight up tired. Why is it throbbing?

5:43— Great for exercise, terrible for pleasure. Where’s my vibrator?