According to Amelia, anal sex is one of the things men love that women just don’t understand. Well, guys love the booty and they love doin’ the butt even more than chicken wings, gadgets, and boobies combined! While Dr. V has been teaching all of us how to have anal sex, not everyone is down for that kind of lesson. Now I don’t want to seem uptight, I know it’s perfectly safe and, in some cases, really effective. But personally, I’ve already been schooled in anal and although I flunked the final exam, I refuse to retake the class again, if you know what I mean. So, here’s how I’ve gotten out of doing that kind of homework over the years with my “7 Excuses To Get Out Of Anal Sex”:
1. Birth Defect
This one is my infallible favorite. How’s he going to question a medical problem in your tush? Most guys won’t ask for all the gory details because it sounds like a whole mess of TMI. Although, if you’re dating a doctor, you may want to go with options #2 through #7 (especially #6).
2. Indian Or Mexican Food
“Sorry baby, I ate some Vepam-Poo Rasam for lunch.” Poo is friggin’ in the name — ’Nuff said!
3. Backed Up
OK, so I know Wendy told us to never tell a dude you’re constipated, but desperate times call for desperate measures! It should get you out of stuffing more back there.
4. Is It Your Birthday?
Reserving anal as a special once-a-year experience can make it more exciting. OK, and it really helps you avoid it the other 364 days a year. We all get to do what we want on our birthdays, so that feels like a natural time to let him go crazy on your caboose. And hey, when your birthday rolls around, maybe you can return the favor.
5. Your Dick Is Too Big
Kill it with compliments like, “I can barely squeeze your gigantic horse-like penis into my tiny vagina, honey.” Now, if your guy has a small ween, well, the jig is up. But if he’s at least average, go for it!
6. I’m Saving My Anal Virginity For Marriage
This was my old standby. But now that I write about all kinds of sex, I can’t get away with it anymore, sadly. Everyone knows I’m a curious ho. Although you shouldn’t manipulate a man into proposing, but this is a great way to block the booty from guys you’re just casually dating. Now, for three carats worth of Harry Winston and a poofy white designer dress, perhaps you could be a little more open to the matter. Just kidding!
7. Bleeding Heart
Well, actually, blame it on your bleeding butt. As Dr. V told us, your thin rectum lining can tear during anal and there can be a bit of blood. Lie a little and tell him last time there was a mess similar to a murder scene and it freaked you out. While it could be par for the course, just say droplets coming out of your derriere are hardly sexy. Or if you’re really brave, say you’ve got hemorrhoids.
Original by Simcha