Talking dirty between the sheets can be a huge turn on for men and women alike. The unfortunate thing is that there is no exact science to what gets people going. What works for one person might not work for another and half the time, you’re just winging it until you and your partner find the right balance in your bedroom talk. That said, here are some dirty exchanges from the people of Reddit that I’m willing to bet worked for… no one.

1. Ah, Dorm Life…

While I lived in a dorm there were a few of us having drinks in the lounge and the girl next door started getting railed by whoever she was with at the time. No problem. About 5 minutes later she steps up the volume and all we can hear is “cripple me, cripple me.” (Standard12)

2. Sex is kind of like a marathon?

This was in amateur porn. The guy was f***ing her in the ass, and she was yelling “Yes, Baby. F*** my ass. I know you can do it! I believe in you!” As if the guy was running a marathon or something (DavidJA)

3. The Double Standard

“Ya ya f*** me daddy”she meant it…

So naturally I responded with…

“ya gimme that pussy mommy”

kinda ruined the moment… (limpinfrompimpin)

4. Valentine’s Surprise

My housemate had her boyfriend over for valentines day. They had just gotten out of the shower together and things progressed to the bedroom. I was sitting in the dinning room and started hearing the sounds of their amorous activities. Sounds grew louder as time went on. Finally, at what I assume was the climax, her boyfriend began panting, basically huffing and puffing before shouting:”Hu… Hu… HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!”

This was followed by an extremely awkward pause and a very small “what?”. Her boyfriend left the house about 5 minutes later. (mekanikstik)

5. Literal AF

“Mmmm…dirty talk.” -Me once, blanking. We both busted out laughing. (halfadash6)

6. And a modern literary scholar

Girl broke out “I wanna have your abortion”

I almost choked, didn’t realize it was a line from Fight Club (book and movie outtake) and she was trying to be funny. (billbapapa)

7. Rooby, Dooby, Doo?

My OH once said he wanted to f*** me in the Arse and I said “Rut Roh” in my best Scooby Doo voice. Him falling about laughing kind of spoiled the mood a bit. (Tillthelastpetalfall)

8. No Way.

Was dating a beautiful, sexy, way out of my class she’s so hot kinda girl! We’ve only had sex about 3 times at this time and every time we did she just laid there. No real sounds made, would bit her lip and quietly moan, that was about it. Well I thought “Okay that’s it, this is boring, time to spice it up”. So I yell at her “Talk dirty to me, Talk dirty to me”

About 30 seconds goes by and she screams out “You’re a scary monster, You’re a scary monster!” (uffda1985)

9. Amazing!

So my boyfriend came in my mouth and to be sexy he asked me “How does it taste?”I don’t know what was wrong with me that day but i just grinned and said “My compliments to the chef👌”

We had a hard time f***ing after that one. (ChilledButter13)

10. Good. Run the f*** away!

“Stay there – I want to slide my knife into you

“There were no sexual shenanigans after that, let me tell you. (Madeof_StarStuff)

11. This makes me feel weird

Girl said she liked me because I reminded her of her dad.

Screamed daddy when we boned.

Do not recommend. (disfreakinguy)

12. Nope. Nope, nope, nope.

An ex of mine used to be really focused on his semen in sex but would also use really weird names or phrases to mention it. For example, referring to it as “chum” (like what you put in water to attract sharks) instead of cum. Or, “Oh, my f***in’ balls. I’m gonna marinade your eggs in boy milk!” Yikes. (noisypeach)

And with those horror stories, I throw it over to the king of talking dirty, Jason Derulo. Have fun, kids!

Original by Hannah Briggs