Those who have been in a relationship for any length of time know thousands of things can trigger an argument. Some can seem insignificant, like where laundry is left, while others are more serious, like what percentage of paychecks is put toward paying off debt. And as relationships evolve, new issues can emerge that lead to frustration, friction, and fights.
Keeping relationships alive in the aftermath of an argument requires partners to be willing to work through what went wrong and how things can be better in the future. Experts refer to the process as conflict resolution and point to it as a critical skill couples must master.
Jim Camp Jr., Co-owner of Camp Negotiations, sees negotiation as a key component of conflict resolution. His book “Lead From No” is a manual on staying calm and reaching agreements in the heaviest situations.
“Most people picture a business transaction — like a buyer haggling with a car salesperson or a couple counter-offering on a home — when they hear the word negotiation,” Camp says. “The truth, however, is people in a relationship are continuously negotiating, or ‘seeking agreements,’ with their partner, which makes it critical to understand how to negotiate.”
Camp, who recently retired as a Major General in the United States Air Force, used the innovative negotiating approach shared in his writings in both his personal and professional life, including negotiating the largest pay increase in history for thousands of Air National Guard Instructor Pilots. His company helps others become more profitable by learning how to negotiate effectively by teaching them an ethical negotiation system called the Camp System that drives success by eliminating unnecessary compromise. The system provides principles and practices that help users to methodically prepare, execute, and debrief through every phase of the negotiation process.
Reining in emotions is important for getting to the right questions
Source: anchorlighttherapy.com
It shouldn’t be surprising to learn that most couples argue. A recent study found that only 3 percent of couples say they never argue. When couples do argue, however, it often gets emotional. The same study found that 75 percent of couples raise their voices during arguments, 47 percent resort to swearing or name-calling, and nearly half say arguments typically lead to tears.
Camp says controlling emotions is the key to reaching an agreement, whether in business or personal negotiations. Getting overly emotional makes it difficult to both express yourself clearly and hear what your partner has to say.
“When either side becomes too passionate, needy, or desperate for the other side to see their point of view, they lose control of their emotions,” Camp says. “When this happens in any type of negotiation, it becomes nearly impossible to manage our behaviors, often leading to regretful decisions that can further damage a relationship.”
Psychologists recommend taking a break from an argument to get emotions under control. “When you find yourself in an argument, and your partner seems too emotional, or you feel yourself losing control of your own emotions, take a break and set an agenda for a continued discussion when both sides are ready,” Camp recommends.
Seek to understand your partner’s perspective
Source: ourrelationship.com
As couples come back together after getting their emotions in check, they should seek to understand each other’s point of view. Sincere questions will open doors, allowing each partner to see the perspectives in play and possibilities for moving forward.
“When you reconvene, keep in mind the only way to recover from a fight or a negotiation heading south is to slow down and attempt to understand the other person’s point of view,” Camp says. “Resist the temptation to dive in and present all the reasons why someone should see things your way — that will only perpetuate an emotional response. Instead of planting your feet and trying to convince your partner, acknowledge their emotions with a nurturing statement followed by a good question to validate they’re ready to continue the conversation. Stay in their world, not yours, so you can discover what they see and what they need.”
The right questions are those that value the person and the relationship. They allow you to wade into negotiations in a way that shows you are committed to finding a solution that considers both sides of the argument.
“Asking your partner to help you understand what they are thinking or using interrogative-led or open-ended questions beginning with what, when, where, why, and how will get them talking,” Camp says. “For example, you can start by saying, ‘You seemed pretty upset, and I’m hopeful we can calmly solve this problem. How comfortable are you talking about this? Where should we start?’”
Source: womenshealth.com.au
Camp recommends against using “verb-led questions,” such as, “Can you change your behavior in the future to avoid this?” or “Will you understand how important this is to me and do it my way?” Those types of questions shift the negotiation from seeking information to seeking acceptance.
“These types of questions actually force your partner to make decisions by answering with a yes, no, or maybe, rather than allowing them to express their thoughts,” Camp explains. “Consequently, they are questions that can easily raise emotions instead of helping someone share what they think and feel.”
Camp also recommends taking an approach that prioritizes listening over talking. Stating your case is important, but it is rarely the best way to start negotiations or move past a point of contention.
“What you hear when you’re trying to reach an agreement is far more important than what you say,” Camp says. “Your partner will also feel respected when you really listen instead of talking.”
Don’t be discouraged when you hear a “no”
Source: marriage.com
It’s common to hear negotiations referred to as a search for a “win-win” solution. Consequently, those involved often seek to avoid either party responding with a “no,” believing outright rejections mark the end of the negotiation.
Camp’s approach to negotiation, however, sees “no” as a valuable point in the process. Instead of signaling a communication breakdown, “no” actually provides an opportunity to uncover problems and eliminate assumptions. Some of the most important questions you can ask after an argument are those that follow a “no.”
“Rather than pushing hard for an agreement, giving your partner the space to disagree and share what they see will bring you closer to a solution,” Camp says. “Calmly agreeing to disagree is not the end of a deal, but the opposite. It’s an approach that lowers emotions and gives you the chance to uncover the real issues.”
Hearing and accepting a “no” shows your partner that you respect them and their viewpoint. The next step is asking, “Where do we go from here?” Taking that approach shows you are committed to finding a solution that allows the relationship to move forward.
“Unlike a failed business deal where either side can walk away from a frustrating negotiation, people who want to preserve a relationship cannot ignore or dismiss an argument or fight,” Camp warns. “They need to stay connected, continue to value each other, and move forward by asking the right questions and listening carefully to the answers.”
