Happy Star Trek Week everyone! I have been waiting for this week to begin for months! My fellow Trekkie cohort, Winona, and I are excited to take you on our continuing mission to explore the many connections between “Star Trek” lore and sex, dating, relationships, style and feminism. As Benedict Cumberbatch in “Star Trek Into Darkness” would say, SHALL WE BEGIN?
The “Star Trek” canon is filled with a multitude of alien races with their own histories, philosophies, and personality traits, all of which lend themselves to specific dating types. So which one are you? Let’s review eight alien races and how they would be as modern daters. Which one fits your dating personality? Click on to find out and share in the comments!
Do You Date Like A Vulcan?
Turn-Ons: Intellectual and philosophical debate; anything on the Discovery Channel; the lute; staring contests; Tantra.
Turn-Offs: Romantic comedies; surrealist art; musical theater; long hair; tears.
Ideal First Date: A game of three dimensional chess while listening to the Vulcan lute greatest hits.
______ is sexy, ______ is sexier: Arousal is sexy, pon farr is sexier.
Who pays on a date? Whoever did the asking. To expect a man to pay on every date is illogical. Alternatively, the pair can go dutch or alternate who pays on each date.
Favorite sexual position: Whatever position is best for both partners to achieve orgasm. The pleasure of both should always outweigh the pleasure of just one.
Big swoon worthy move: Admitting you were right and they were wrong.
Do You Date Like A Klingon?
Turn-Ons: Opera; Shakespeare; piercings/tattoos and other forms of body modification; BDSM and roleplaying; confidence; buffet dinners; a natural musk; martyrdom.
Turn-Offs: Scented soaps, shampoos, and perfume; pacifism; furry animals including dogs, cats and anything else that is Tribble-like; small children; pastel colors; the missionary position.
Ideal First Date: A trip to the opera, followed by a dinner of meat, meat and more meat, perhaps with a few curse-filled arguments between courses. And then fucking. Lots of fucking.
______ is sexy, ______ is sexier: Knives are sexy, swords are sexier.
Who pays on a date? A man should always pay on a date, but the woman should not accept his invitation for a date unless she plans on blowing him after. It would be dishonorable not to.
Favorite sexual position: All of them, so long as the bed breaks.
Big swoon worthy move: Reading love poetry.
Do You Date Like A Ferengi?
Turn-Ons: Money; sluts; Dane Cook, Tosh.O, and misogynist comedy; strip clubs; capitalism; whores who know their place; capitalism.
Turn-Offs: Socialism; feminazis; homeless people who beg for change; dating; taxes; dentistry.
Ideal First Date: Dates are a waste of time and money. Fuck ’em. However, after a refreshing afternoon of bartering for goods at the local flea market — who doesn’t love a deal?! — the Ferengi dater will treat himself/herself to a massage (full body, with specific focus on the head and ears), followed by a lap dance at the local nudie bar.
______ is sexy, ______ is sexier: One million dollars is sexy, one billion dollars is sexier.
Who pays on a date? Snort. Dates are for suckers.
Favorite sexual position: Does masturbating to hardcore porn count?
Big swoon worthy move: Doing something — anything — for you that doesn’t benefit them even more.
Do You Date Like The Borg?
Turn-Ons: Long walks on the beach; romantic comedies and summer blockbusters; Top 40 hits; Brazilian waxes; a great sense of humor; Impressionism and Anne Geddes photography; books by Dan Brown; “Two And A Half Men”; moderately priced chain restaurants; whatever the majority of people are also into.
Turn-Offs: Wacky fashion, body art, edgy haircuts, anything that makes a person stand out as “different”; indie and/or foreign films; politics and current events; anal sex; identity politics.
Ideal First Date: Going to see the latest hit movie, followed by a steak dinner (at Applebee’s or Claimjumpers) and an evening stroll to pick up frozen yogurt for dessert. May end with a kiss on the cheek if they’re feeling frisky.
______ is sexy, ______ is sexier: A kiss is sexy, a French kiss is sexier.
Who pays on a date? The man of course! Thousands of years of tradition can’t be wrong. Why fix something that isn’t broken?
Favorite sexual position: Missionary. Nothing kinky or crazy here!
Big swoon worthy move: Being willing to try something new that’s outside of their comfort zone, which is basically everything.
Do You Date Like A Betazoid?
Turn-Ons: Kundalini yoga; the writings of Rainer Maria Rilke, Marianne Williamson and Deepak Chopra; quinoa and kale salads; natural fibers and fabrics; nudity; astrology, numerology and palm reading; peace; body hair.
Turn-Offs: Violence and war; Scientology; processed foods; conforming to dress codes and other facist rules against self expression; emotional wheelchairs; Big Pharma, Big Oil and the NRA; rough sex.
Ideal First Date: A yoga class, followed by a healthy vegetarian feast cooked at home, during which you each share your most painful and most joyous memories. Ideally, both of you orgasm simultaneously at the conclusion.
______ is sexy, ______ is sexier: A crush is sexy, deep spiritual connectivity is sexier.
Who pays on a date? Is spending money really necessary on a date? If you truly have a deep spiritual connection with someone, you should be able to spend hours upon hours just gazing into their eyes.
Favorite sexual position: Tantra, although he/she is often capable of achieving orgasm without physical touch.
Big swoon worthy move: Getting someone to open up emotionally in ways they never have before. Also, making someone come without touching them.
Do You Date Like A Romulan?
Turn-Ons: Whiskey and beer-making; reading Roman mythology, romantic poetry and Sun Tsu’s The Art of War; male/female equality; patriotism; Art Deco art and architecture; spanking and other forms of light BDSM; classical and jazz music; confidence (lesser minds might consider this arrogance); block parties.
Turn-Offs: Pacifism (just another word for wimpy!); emotional repression and aloofness; poor grooming and hygiene habits; people with food allergies; lateness; cheap scented candles; body hair.
Ideal First Date: Tickets to a book reading or a local chamber orchestra performance, followed by a picnic at the park.
______ is sexy, ______ is sexier: Fighting is sexy, making up is sexier.
Who pays on a date? Go dutch. There’s no reason why men and women should not be treated equally in all areas of life, including paying their portion of the bill at a restaurant.
Favorite sexual position: Alternating between Cowgirl and Missionary: the first puts the woman in charge of the pace, the second puts the man in charge. Both include easy eye contact.
Big swoon worthy move: Romulans are prone to jealousy and emotional outbursts, but that’s just how they show they care. But after a fight with a Romulan lover, you can expect a grand gesture, like a surprise weekend getaway.
Do You Date Like A Cardassian?
Turn-Ons: Supporting the troops; video games; the writings of Ayn Rand; fascism; big game hunting; OCD-level orderliness; balmy, hot weather (i.e. perfect beach days!); “Game of Thrones”; dominating.
Turn-Offs: Commies; facial hair; clutter; long winters; hippie shows like “Enlightened”; “the arts” in general (what a waste of money!); being dominated.
Ideal First Date: A one-on-one sporting match, like boxing, wrestling or, their fave, UFC.
______ is sexy, ______ is sexier: War is sexy, total annihilation is sexier.
Who pays on a date? A Cardassian male will always pay, but you’d better make it quick and order the cheapest thing on the menu.
Favorite sexual position: Positions that put them in the dominant role, aided by restraints, ball gags, etc. Sex is all about power play.
Big swoon worthy move: Turning off their smartphone during dinner and actually hearing about your day for once.
Do You Date Like A Bajoran?
Turn-Ons: Spirituality and religious devotion; the arts; chanting, prayer and other forms of worship; charity work; juice cleanses and fasts; fighting oppression; accessories!
Turn-Offs: Dishonesty; fascism and warmongering; atheism although agnosticism is okay; bangs!
Ideal First Date: Attending a yoga class, spiritual workshop, self-help seminar, or weekend mass.
______ is sexy, ______ is sexier: Prayer is sexy, Prophets are sexier.
Who pays on a date? Unless it’s a special occasion, a Bajoran dater prefers to itemize the bill — and as they are rather distrustful at first, they’ll be in charge of calculating who owes what.
Favorite sexual position: Anything but doggystyle or reverse cowgirl — Bajorans don’t like to be in a defenseless position and always want to have both eyes on the action.
Big swoon worthy move: Dropping their guard and letting you get close. Eventually you might even get to leave a toothbrush at their place — or even get a key to their apartment!
Original by: Amelia McDonell-Parry