After multiple women accused James Deen of rape and sexual assault in November 2015, The Frisky made the immediate decision to end our affiliation with the porn star and to cancel his sex advice column with the site. In addition to believing it would be inappropriate to continue publishing sex advice from someone facing such serious allegations, The Frisky is firm in its commitment to believing and standing in solidarity with victims/survivors when they come forward. After serious consideration and input, we decided to leave the previously published columns up on The Frisky with this disclaimer, as we believe the glaring divide between Deen’s consent-focused advice and the rape allegations against him should be part of the public record. For a more thorough explanation on our decision to end this column, click here.
The guy I’ve been dating for about a month, who I really like, has a seriously small penis. I’ve always been a size queen, so his tiny dick is an undeniable disappointment. I want to believe that size doesn’t matter and that it’s all about how he uses what he’s got, but I feel like any instruction I could give will make it blatantly obvious that his three-inch penis isn’t doing it for me — and the last thing i want to do is insult him over something he can’t change. So, got any advice for whether and HOW I could talk to him about this? And do you have ANY suggestions for positions or techniques or SOMETHING that might make him feel bigger? Thanks!
James: The idea that size doesn’t matter is asinine. The idea that anything “doesn’t matter” is asinine. Different things matter to different people. I’m not saying that because this guy’s dick isn’t huge, girls are going to be like “OHHHH, I’m not having sex with you! That’s gross! I only want guys with huge dicks!” Not all girls want huge dicks and “too big” exists just as much as “too small.” As for “size doesn’t matter, it’s how you use”? Sorry, but no.
Think about it like this: if you’re driving at SUV on a racetrack at 150 miles an hour, you’re probably going to end up crashing, flipping the car and fucking it up. You do need the right tool for the job. At the same time, let’s say I’m driving an actual race car on the track – just because it’s the right tool for the job doesn’t mean that I’m going to be able to use it correctly. It’s the combination of size and technique, and every different person is going to have a different opinion on what works for them. There is no right or wrong. So, get “size doesn’t matter, it’s how you use it” out of your head.
Here are some questions to ask yourself: Do you want to stay with this guy? Is this a longterm thing? What is your relationship like with with him outside of the sex? It’s very possible that you two aren’t anatomically and sexually compatible — and that’s a big deal for a lot of people! Now, some people don’t give a fuck about sex in a relationship and they would be totally fine dating someone with whom they’re not sexually compatible, because they have such a strong emotional connection, for example. Or, alternatively, some couples are able to have open relationships where a size queen like yourself would be able to go off and have sex with humongous cocks and it’d be okay with their partner.
Amelia: Well, it sounds like she’s not quite ready to throw in the towel — she says she likes the guy, so do you have any tips for positions or techniques they could try that might make him, I don’t, feel “bigger” inside of her?
James: I don’t – I’m sorry, but you can’t turn an SUV into a race car. You can’t turn a race car into an SUV. If your issue is emotional, or about communication, if your issue is anything other than basic physical incompatibility, then yeah, we could talk. But this woman is saying she likes BIG COCKS – she’s a size queen! Great! Good for her! Fucking get it! And if that’s the case, this guy is not your guy.
Now, if you do decide this is not a relationship you plan to perpetuate for a long length of time, you don’t need to be like, “I’m breaking up with you because you have a small dick.” You don’t owe him anything beyond saying that you don’t want to date him anymore. But if further explanation is warranted, you should listen to Nada Surf’s “Popular,” which says that the three important rules for breaking up are to be honest, direct and kind. You can’t be afraid to hurt his feelings because that is unfortunately inevitable when the person you want to be with tells you that they prefer the company of others. If the dude has a three-inch penis, I really doubt he thinks he has a huge cock. Yeah, he might have inferiority complex or have issues with it, but I don’t think it’s going to come as a shock or be something he’s going to kill himself over. You could put it like this: “Different people like different things, and there are women who want smaller penises. But I am not one of them. I like humongous objects inside of me, and I’m sorry, while I think you’re awesome, you just can’t satisfy me.”
Amelia: I’ve seen this type of question answered by other advice columnists, and often the advice is along the lines of, “Well, maybe he’s really great at oral sex!”
James: Maybe he is, but he still doesn’t have a big dick. If you [the advice seeker] really, really want to continue this relationship, and you really, really want to do it with a big dick, and this guy really, really wants to be with you too, he can go to the doctor and get penile implant surgery. Either that, or talk to him about having sex with other people as well.
Amelia: I’ve noticed that people who end relationships over sexual issues are often made to think that they’re being shallow. “Oh you broke up with him because he had a small dick? What’s wrong with you? He was such a great guy!”
James: Relationships are about compatibility. You have physiological capability, mental compatibility, emotional compatibility, sexual compatibility — and just because you click really well in a certain area, doesn’t mean you’re going to click in all of them. You don’t have to click in all the areas for a relationship to work, but you do have to click in the areas that are super important to you. And there is nothing wrong with sex being important to you. It is okay to say, “I get along with you great and I really like you, but I don’t like fucking you. I don’t want to just have an exclusive ‘friend,’ I want to have somebody I also fuck. That’s not working between us and I’m sorry.” Then you both move on and find that person that has similar qualities that you connect with emotionally and that you also like to fuck — because that person exists! People are unique and special and have their own opinions, of course, but for the most part, there are a lot of people who have similar personality traits, ideas and interests . So it’s a matter of mixing and matching until you find somebody who you’re compatible with in enough ways that you’re really happy, they’re really happy and you guys are both really happy together.
Original by James Deen @jamesdeen