25 Signs He’s Definitely Not “The One”

Spoofing infamous celebrity couples, Virgin Mobile manufactured their own celebrity duo, “Sparah” — that’s Spencer Falls and Sarah Carroll — and are looking to see just how recognizable the pair will become. Sparah recently shared their thoughts on dating and relationships with The Frisky, to which we responded with our own two cents. For example, how does Sarah think a woman can tell if a guy is “the one”? “He walks slow when you’re in heels — piggy-backs are a plus,” she told The Frisky. “Oh, and he waits a week or two before passing gas in front of you.”

Hmm, we’re all about dudes who are gentlemanly and don’t walk ahead of us, no matter our footwear, but we’ve never really thought about the appropriate time for a guy to start breaking wind. What we have thought a lot about is the signs that someone is not the one. Perhaps, Sarah should take some advice from us and check out the 25 Signs He’s Not The One, after the jump. You know, in case she needs a good reason to pretend to break up with Spencer for a story in Us Weekly or something.

1. He won’t come to your place.
2. He can’t seem to remember things you’ve mentioned multiple times, like a big assignment at work, how much you want to see a certain movie, and that you don’t eat meat.
3. You get a gut feeling in your stomach that tells you he isn’t.
4. He doesn’t seem to care or know what to do when you tell him your feelings are hurt. If you’re crying, he tells you to stop or doesn’t even acknowledge that you’re crying.
5. You get great news and he isn’t the first — or even second or third — person you think to call.
6. He’s hung up on his ex.
7. You need to refill your Xanax prescription before spending seven days in a row together on vacation.
8. He’s always “too busy” to make plans with you, working, playing Scrabble on his iPhone, watching sports with his buddies. There’s always something.
9. He doesn’t seem that interested in meeting your friends. You have no interest in introducing him.
10. You often find yourself making excuses for him. “Oh, he’s just being rude to you because he didn’t get 10 hours of sleep last night …”
11. He ignores you when he brings you home to meet his parents.
12. The sex is amazing but it’s not enough to make you miss him when he’s not around.
13. He gives you some BS about fearing commitment or not being ready to be in a relationship. Side note: Guys, you need to think of another way to say this; it’s just getting annoying at this point.
14. He goes away to a foreign country for two weeks and you’re like “Send me a postcard — next!”
15. His face doesn’t light up when he sees you enter the room.
16. He has no idea what you do for a living and doesn’t know how to pronounce/spell your last name.
17. He says he wants to spend more than two days together a week and you cringe.
18. You watch him when he’s sleeping, but realize you’re grimacing instead of smiling.
19. You say “I love you” and are met by the sound of crickets chirping.
20. If you leave something minor at his place, like a piece of jewelry, he gives it back to you immediately the next time he sees you.
21. He rolls his eyes at you.
22. Instead of telling you why he’s upset, he punches walls, kicks door jambs, or storms out of the room.
23. He tries to guilt-trip you into not using a condom time after time.
24. He can’t put his cell phone down … even when you are on a romantic date.
25. You’re not all that excited to hear from him.

Original by The Frisky