Farrah Abraham excels at being a celebrity, if our working definition is someone who finds a way to keep themselves in the news no matter what. The former “Teen Mom” star, singer, and tomato sauce social messenger has now parlayed her much-hyped Vivid sex tapes with porn It Boy James Deen, “Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom” and “Farrah 2: Backdoor and More,” into an erotic novel trilogy based around them. The first book, In The Making (Celebrity Sex Tape), which will be published July 1st, comes with a disclaimer at the front of the first book by publisher Ellora’s Cave CEO Patty Marks stating that it “has been carefully written, edited and proofread to ensure that the book has not revealed any actual occurrences or business practices that have not already been publicly revealed or acknowledged.” Perhaps this was a nod to the legal warnings Vivid has supposedly sent her; in the book, the porn company is called HALE’O and is owned by Schmite Hale (who has the same initials as Vivid CEO Steve Hirsch).
The second novel is slated to be published in the fall, in time for her October appearance at RomantiCon® in Canton, Ohio (Ellora’s Cave is also selling an ebook version of Abraham’s memoir My Teenage Dream Ended). In The Making stars Fallon Opal, who differs from Abraham in that she’s not a mom, but did reach reality show fame with a high school show called “Cheer Battle.” Fallon is faced with a giant IRS bill and is at a loss as to how to keep her celeb status on the public radar, so she agrees to do a sex tape because it comes with a giant paycheck (as well as conveniently fulfilling her fantasy of making a sex tape).
When I met Abraham while she was signing advance copies of the book at Book Expo America at the Javits Center earlier this month, she was effusive, charming and personable—the perfect celebrity, posing for photos, signing books and giving away mini viewers with each of the covers of her three novels. A group of about 20 people lined up at the appointed time at the Ellora’s Cave booth, where Abraham was surrounded by staffers, muscular guys called “Cave Slaves” and security guards. She asked a woman ahead of me how she got interested in erotica, and gushed about being a Howard Stern fan.
So, back to the book. Amelia asked me to highlight the best and worst parts of it, but here’s the thing about this book: there’s really no separating best and worst. It’s like the phrase “sexy ugly” from the movie “Kissing Jessica Stein.” The book seems to be trying to do two things at once: establish Fallon’s desire to show herself off as the ultimate exhibitionist, while casting disdain on not only the entire porn industry but also her co-star, Jimmy Heinz, and boasting about how much better at sex on camera Fallon is than any professional (a theme repeated throughout the book). Over-the-top would be the phrase that best describes it, from the photos of Farrah and several guys, including one sticking his hand down his only piece of clothing, a pair of briefs, to the sex scene in a jail cell (!), to the way the book bounces from sex scene to sex scene with Fallon constantly telling the reader how amazing she is.
So here are a few highlights from my advanced readers copy—I’ll leave it to you to decide which are the best and which are the worst.
Fallon’s best friend, a gay man named Johnni (“My fabulous gay angel”), brings her sex tapes to watch to get a feel for the genre:
I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I’d somehow thought the tape would be more, I don’t know, exciting. It wasn’t as titillating as I’d thought it would be with someone as attractive as Kim in it…If I ever did a sex tape, I’d want better quality footage, for sure. The low-quality stuff did nothing for the participants. I’d also want a guy who would make everyone jealous just watching me be with him. By the time we were done for the evening I had an imaginary sex tape all planned out in my head. It would be exciting and have variety, unlike the ones we’d watched where I’d been more interested in checking my phone than listening to another moan.
Fallon at first thinks Jimmy Heinz is so hot he could be boyfriend material, but is over him before they’ve even started filming, and takes every opportunity to disparage him and give him strange story lines (such as having colon cancer):
I’d certainly woken up and realized that Jimmy Heinz wasn’t who I’d wanted him to be. He was a thirty-sex-year-old porn star, who tried to do things outside of porn but would only ever be known for the use of his dick. He wasn’t my Prince Charming. He wasn’t even really stable, but he would be my on-screen heartthrob.
The grossest and second weirdest (after the jail scene) story line involves a sponge Fallon uses because she has her period:
“It needs to be in farther,” Kanity said.
I was about to tell her to mind her own damn business when she put her hand between my legs and pushed the freaking sponge up. Her fingers slid into my pussy and for a split second I couldn’t even think.
This was not happening.
I was not surrounded by crazy people, with a psychopath’s fingers in my vagina. There was no way this was happening. It had to be a nightmare and I’d wake up in a moment.
Here’s Fallon psyching herself up before making the tape, after assuring the reader her real reason for doing so “wasn’t for the money”:
As long as Jimmy played his supportive “Let’s make this girl comfortable” act and went with what I needed to get off, and made this cyclone of different scenes a chance to get me to orgasm each time, the epic fantasy I wanted to bring to life would hold true. Besides, I hadn’t been with anyone for a while. I wanted to fuck. I wanted a hard cock inside of me. I wanted to make a little history in my own life today.
Fallon’s attitude toward her sex tape is as confusing as Farrah’s real-life protestations that her videos were really for “private” use:
My gaze went to Jimmy and I smiled, playing with my lingerie and infusing the feel of the video with the feeling that we’d been dating for a while. “Baby, come on, let’s have some fun while you have the recorder on.”
I held out my hand, no longer Fallon the actress. I was Fallon the best-selling celebrity sex tape star. The one to beat every other wanna-be celebrities before and after me. It was an act, a role to play…except this time I wasn’t just fulfilling a role, I was revealing a side of myself no one else had seen before. It was also an act for Jimmy and everyone who could hear or sneak a peek into the condo. It was a show for the camera, all the watchers behind it and the people who would watch.
For what’s billed as an erotic novel, her sex scenes sound more like she has something to prove:
I felt some pain but I was a sex warrior and I moaned loader to get Jimmy more aroused. The last concern I had faded away, and my body felt like it went into shock. I knew I probably shouldn’t have been ticking myself into not feeling pain, what with my period and incisions. What sex-fiend fantasy was I trying to fool everyone with?
Here’s her post-sex scene shower:
“I retreated to the bathroom and stepped into the shower. It was a long day. It fucking started at sunup and I would still be fucking by sundown. I remembered with boyfriends, we would have sex all day and it was amazing—not exhausting. I was more than ready for a shower, I didn’t do a bukkake scene but it felt like it. My body was swimming with Jimmy semen.”
The sexiest scene, in my opinion, happens not between Fallon and a guy, but Fallon and a sex toy, toward the very end:
I slid my skirt up my thighs and brought the dildo to my mound, tracing the line of my slit. Jimmy wasn’t even watching the camera anymore. His focus was all on me. I pulled my panties to the side, exposing my pink flesh to my audience, and slid the dildo inside of me. It was cool, smooth and a completely different sensation from a cyberskin vibrator or a real cock.
My muscles clenched around the firm length as I slowly pumped it in and out.
Jimmy left the camera on the seat and came to me, kneeling on the floor of the limo. He pushed my hands aside and started working the dildo in and out of me. I leaned back, letting the chilled leather seats cool my heated skin.
Overall, this book can’t really decide whether it wants to be a titillating erotic novel or a revenge story (Fallon also has a falling out with her supposed friends after they leak a story to the media about her). And for a book about a woman supposedly fulfilling her sexual destiny there’s more than a whiff of disdain for actual porn stars, whether from Fallon’s POV (“Johnni had pointed out that HALE’O could try to spin the tape as if they were corrupting me, but it wasn’t as if I were about to spread my legs and become the new adult entertainment superstar. It was just a onetime thing”) or the disclaimer by Marks which puts the fact that Farrah’s sex tapes were “with the same partner in each” in italics. It’s unclear what awaits Fallon in the next two books, but hopefully there’s a little less bitterness and more sexy times. Or if erotica’s not your thing, you can wait for her upcoming Christian parenting book.
Original by Rachel Kramer Bussel
