Women who demand respect often get exactly that. And why shouldn’t they? We not only deserve it, we should expect it. But there’s a tipping point when a woman’s demands jump the shark from self-respecting to totally high maintenance, or, as I like to call it, highmay. There are the obvious one-name offenders: Madonna and her overnight full body saran wrapping, Cher and her multiple costume changes. And then there are women who demand maintenance in ways that are less obvious, but just as lethal. She is “the worst kind,” as Harry so clearly explained to Sally. “You’re high maintenance but you think you’re low.” So girls and guys, I’m going to be like your cool older sister who bought your sorry 15-year-old ass beer from the Quickmart and offer you a few tips on how to preemptively spot a high-maintenance girlfriend. Because those dudes I described yesterday have company.
Gals, you can write your seemingly benign behaviors off as girly or cute, or you can see them for what they are—blinking red lights indicating you’re about to take the onramp to the highmay highway.
Guys, ignore the warning signs at your peril—unless, of course, you’re a glutton for punishment; then ending up with a woman who’s just like your highmay mother is probably inevitable.
Long, Decorated Fingernails
Manicures make women feel good. When our hands look nice, we feel nice. But the gal who opts for the crazy-glued, Wolverine-length nails decorated like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, if RuPaul had painted it, has just taken a play out of the highmay handbook. Her very expensive, plastic works of finger art render her incapable of performing the most basic of tasks. She’ll expect men to wash the dishes, open anything with a top and dial her phone. A back scratch will never happen. And, as if it needs to be said, a hand job is out of the question.
As a famous philosopher once said, everyone poops. So it could also be said that everyone farts. Flatulence is a very normal and natural byproduct of the digestion process. And when it’s done in the right way at the right time, it is also ROTFL hilarious. Even Mark Twain loved it. So if she can’t let it rip from time to time, or at least appreciate a good one, she might be as humorless as she is fart-less.
Heels Over Four-Inches
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, that distinction belongs to high heels. Besides elongating the leg, they tone the calve muscles, which means she gets to skip yoga. But any heel over four inches is simply a disaster waiting to happen. Even if you’re not drunk! Clowns go to school to learn to walk on stilts, yet certain women persist on teetering around in sky-high stilettos without training whatsoever. One pavement crack away from a broken ankle, they walk slower than Jesus, always needing a hand to get down the stairs or help her up from the curbside onto which she fell. The sky-scraping length of the heel indicates that she’s more interested in how she looks than getting anywhere on time — even with the assistance of her Sherpa posing as a boyfriend. I am not saying women should wear sensible heels — no self-respecting hottie would, amIright? — I just think any pump that can be registered as a lethal weapon should be left at home above the mantle next to the samurai swords and the gun rack.
Rhinestone Cell Phone Covers
Something about this item screams “vagazzled: to me, but that’s another conversation. Here’s the thing: the cell phone is a sleek, utilitarian, futuristic piece of machinery. And if she’s dressing it up with a cover she ordered from the Pretty, Pretty Princess catalog, it’s going to be a lifetime of pink monogrammed towel sets and kitten-heeled slippers. What this girl really wants is for a prince to ride up in his white BMW and rescue her from having to work for a living.
Royalty-Infused Throw Pillows
Unless a woman’s listed in the phonebook with the letters H.R.H. before her name, she is not a queen. And when you see a dame’s throw pillow with words like “princess” or “throne,” or expressions like “Queen of the Castle,” it is, essentially, her down feathered vision wall. She hopes to be or thinks of herself as a person of nobility and will expect you to lavish her with presents and gifts befitting someone of her status. Due to the burdens of noblesse oblige, she’ll treat anyone in her company like footmen, jesters, handmaidens, and eunuchs of her royal court.
I can’t speak to stuffed animals lining the back of car windows. I don’t know these people. I don’t ever want to meet these people. But stuffed animals perched on a woman’s bed or vanity table is another story entirely. Childhood toys should be left in the attic or in the room in which one grew up, not displayed like a Gunt menagerie in any sort adult living situation. I think anyone who passed Psych 101 could empirically deduce that ladies who do as such are saying they are children and want to be treated as such. But if the stuffed animal in question is more of a large plushy type of situation, well, I’ll just leave that up to people’s particularly peculiar peccadilloes.
Sort of like the fingernails, but hair weaves and extensions are even more incapacitating and infinitely more expensive. When the hair can never be touched, not a tender stroke or a tug in a heated moment of sexual apogee, it’s perhaps the ultimate expression of highmaydom. Plus, sitting half a day in a chair to have Indian hair shaved at a temple to honor Shiva weaved onto your head, or adding long blonde locks to your broken roots from years of dye jobs, makes me think you’ll find their faces (and long locks) in the dictionary next to “narcissistic personality disorder.” This also leads me to believe that weaves and extensions are a gateway to Botox. I think you can see where this is going.
Orders Fruity Drinks
Sangria is a traditional Spanish drink with fruit in it enjoyed by many. The Cosmo is a fruity martini enjoyed by women stuck in the ’90s, Katy Perry aficionados, and for those that thought “Legally Blonde” wasn’t a movie, but a documentary about their college sorority experience. When she orders a fruity cocktail on a first date, it means she likes things sweet, not just in her drinks, but in general. While sweet is good in kittens, fudge and grandparents, in life, you want a girl who can tipple a drink that will put some hair on your chest.
Portable Purse Dogs
Like the woman who can’t go to the bathroom without a friend (highmay-esque, but not a serious enough offense to make the list), a small dog in the purse indicates some serious co-dependency issues. You see, this girl sees herself as the dog, and she wants to be coddled, petted and looked after at all times of day from the safety of a very expensive handbag. Dogs, like the stuffed animal, should be left at home or in the backyard, not brought into human settings like the supermarket, a plane or a cocktail party. If she can’t get through the day without someone, or something, making her feel loved at all times, imagine what she’ll be like at 3 a.m. when her boyfriend isn’t there by her side. Text-stalking, multiple phone calls and jealous Cosmo-infused rants are not only likely, they should be expected.
There is no reason for fur to line the outside of jacket’s hood. Really. It doesn’t keep the face warmer; its function appears to be to wave ever so slightly in the wind — like wheat over a field or a beauty pageant contestant’s hand. Fur situated on any jacket’s exterior regions should be a warning: Whether she’s a hipster in a vintage Jackie O number or a well-heeled fashionista in Dolce & Gabbana, she’s saying, “I expect expensive touches, and if you don’t believe me, get a load of my vagazzling.”
Original by Emily Bracken