Lately, my mom has been getting her kicks by emailing me photos of animals she thinks I’ll find terrifying and asking me if I like them. Very funny. See, she knows all about my fear of birds, and I’m pretty sure she thought my slideshow on the scariest-looking animals on earth was the funniest thing I’ve ever written. Clearly, she’s pushing me to do a followup by emailing me photos of weird looking beasts. Like this fluffy guy above. It’s hard for me to imagine a more upsetting animal — feathers, beady little eyes, the misleading vibe that it’s full of peace and tranquility — but luckily, it is imaginary. It was dreamt up by a pair of artists, thank god.
So, nice try with this one, Mom. This freak of nature may not make the cut, but these 13 other members of the Animal Kingdom do scare the shit out of me…
Contents
Mole Rat
First of all, when your gaping maw is so huge it makes the rest of your face disappear, we’ve got problems. Secondly, get those huge yellow Chicklets away from me!
Goliath Tigerfish
Speaking of teeth, the Goliath Tigerfish’s fangs will eat your soul after it devours your carcass.
Bristle Worm
The good thing about the bristle worm is that they’re really teensy. The bad news is that I am a firm believer that things should be CUTER up close, not more hideous.
Tree Strump Spider
Mother Nature gave these arachnids their bark-like exterior so they could lie in wait for prey undetected. Luckily, she also gave me my legs so I can run away screaming.
Star Spider
I shall not be fooled by your lovely fall coloring, Star Spider, or your fame-hungry name! I know once my guard is down, you’ll use those spikes on your back to bore through my eye sockets and directly into my brain. I. Know. It.
Titan Beetle
I can’t even look at this one, soh idf this slidfed is fillked with typksos you know why.
Indian Bullfrog
Yeah, this frog is smiling, but not because it’s friendly. It’s smiling because it’s cooking up something evil in those blue glands and is about to execute a killer surprise. You’ve been warned.
Leopard Moth
Part enormous moth, part MIME. Fuck off.
Cutter Shark
I wouldn’t like to be devoured by a shark of any kind, but one that will grate my flesh until there’s nothing left sounds like maybe the worst way to go.
Atlantic Wolffish
Inclined to feel sort sorry for the Atlantic wolffish because of its sad snaggletooth? Being stupid will get you killed.
Water Bear
Of course the Germans would give a creature that is not even the slightest bit cuddly a name that translates to “little water bear.” Luckily, the water bear is actually pretty tiny, but the thing that freaks me out about it, besides the fact that it’s ugly, is that it can survive through basically anything that other creatures can’t — extreme heat, extreme cold, in space. Mark my words, if we’re not careful, someday we will be forced to go to war against the water bears, and they will win.
Brazilian Treehopper
Look at this asshole, with his jaunty little leg, all like, “Who me? I’m harmless! Shall we dance?”
Original by Amelia McDonell-Parry @xoamelia
