You know you’ve done it right if your sheets are ripped off the bed, if you’re covered in edible chocolate and lube, sweat running down your chest, and the neighbors are pounding on the wall for you to shut up. Messy sex is good. Cleaning up after can be a buzzkill. We want you to go for it. Be uninhibited. Don’t let the anxiety of post-sex cleanup keep you from going all out in bed. Have your messy sex, but know how to clean up when you’re done. Here are some tips for tidying up after getting down.
Cum in the hair
Sex Mess: As we know from “Something About Mary,” spuge works very effectively as hair gel. But you probably weren’t going for that.
Cleanup Tip: Not that we’ve ever gotten cum in our hair, but we’ve heard that vaseline helps get it out, followed by a shower with multiple shampooings of the sperminated area. If that doesn’t work, try some Goo Gone, that crazy stuff you used to get gum out of your hair when you were a kid.
Blood stains on sheets
Cum on the body
Sex Mess: Sometimes sperm lands on faces, butts, boobs or other random body parts whether it was intended to or not.
Cleanup Tip: Do not put water on it. We repeat, don’t douse your sperm spillage with water. That will only make it glue-y. You can use soap and water. But it’s preferably to use a baby wipe to clean up. The sooner the better, not to spoil the moment or anything…
Lubricant stains on sheets
Sex Mess: If it’s a water-based lube, it’s going to be very easy to get rid of. Cleaning a silicone-based lubricant stain is going to be much more labor intensive.
Cleanup Tip: For water-based lube, do nothing, just wash your sheets and it should come out easy peasy. For silicone-based lube stains, use white vinegar or Dawn dish soap to dissolve it. If you want to try a more aggressive tactic, Mostenbocker’s Lift Off for silicone, latex and caulk will blast that shit off. The sad truth is that it might be more cost/time effective to buy new sheets depending on how much lube you spilled. Or it may be time to invest in rubber sheets.
Candle wax spills
Sex Mess: You got all “Body of Evidence” but the wax got on the bed/ floor. Oops.
Cleanup Tip: Good news! There is a prescribed process for wax removal. For sheets, clothing or carpet, you want to scrape or cut excess wax off. Then place the wax stain between two pieces of paper towel and melt it off with a hot iron. Magic! Once you’ve gotten rid of all the wax, you can put stain remover on it as needed or wash as usual.
Bodily fluids on sheets or clothes
Sex Mess: If you didn’t get bodily fluids on your sheets while you were sexing, you might have been doing it wrong.
Cleanup Tip: Because semen contains protein, you want to hand wash it in cold water for best results. Then douse in Spray n’ Wash before you launder for reals.
Original by Ami Angelowicz