Friends: they’re supposed to make your life better, right? But sometimes we accidentally get caught up in an all-too-toxic relationship that only brings stress, sadness and an overwhelming desire to gouge our eyeballs out with a q-tip. Sure, friendships aren’t always going to be about scented candles, wacky photoshoots, and color-coordinated outfits (we see you, “Sex and the City” ladies), but nor should they be as uncomfortable as a yeast infection.
After the jump, the five kinds of frenemies you need to ditch pronto. And tell us about the worst friend you’ve ever had in the comments.
The It’s All About Me-er
She doesn’t need a sloppily bedazzled T-shirt to tell you what you probably already know: This friend could manage to turn a conversation about your dying dog into an hour-long exploration of the last 10 years of her dating history. These are people who are utterly shocked (SHOCKED!) that the world does not spin in tiny concentric circles around them. And look, it’s not that she doesn’t care about you, but it’s just that you are not her, so you don’t matter nearly as much, obvs.
The Judge Dread
Do you need an opinion? No? Too bad, you’re going to get one anyway. This friend has something to say about what you do and whom you do it with. But don’t worry—the judgment only goes in one direction. There’s no WAY she’d stand for you giving your opinion on her life.
The Attention Addict
This girl spends more hours of the day in tears than Chris Crocker. When you look up “histrionic” in the dictionary there’s a picture of your buddy in the margins. If her latte isn’t perfect, well, it’s going to ruin her whole day. Nevermind that you’ve got anything major going on in your world. It’s nothing compared to the bad manicure she got. In this girl’s world, there’s a thin line between a death in the family and a bad hair day.
A kissing cousin of “The It’s All About Me-er,” the Eeyore is a real sad-sack type—always complaining about something, and always with a dour face toward anything you might have going on in your life. Don’t even bother to try and make your Eeyore friends feel better; they’re not interested in being happy. They much prefer having something to whine about.
My friends and I refer to this type of person as the “I could never eat a whole burrito” type of friend. That’s because one day I mentioned to a lady friend that I was feeling super full from eating a burrito. She responded that she “could never eat a whole burrito.” Because, you know, that would just be gross. Bitch, please. I had another friend who—when I used to work as a gossip writer—told me “I could never work in gossip—it’s just so demeaning.” I mean, really? People who never miss the opportunity to gently put you down for your decisions have got to go, and that’s exactly what the Underminer does.
Original by Julie Gerstein