Dane Cook is one of those people I don’t like. I don’t “get” him would be a nice way of putting it. I don’t find him attractive, funny, or interesting. My best friend once forced me to watch a movie with him in it, and it was so godawful that I’ve blocked out the majority of it. If I was going to take dating advice from someone, or advice about men, or advice about anything, for that matter, it wouldn’t be from this guy. Still, Cosmo asked Cook if he would share “7 Things Men Wish Women Knew.” After the jump, let’s explore seven things women wish men knew.
1. We don’t always share your sense of humor. Watching a kid on a bike drive into a tree in a YouTube video may send you and your buddies into gales of laughter, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to think it’s hilarious. No, we do not want to watch it with you 17 times. Of course, we don’t expect you to enjoy “Sex and the City,” do we? So, let’s call it even. Relatedly, it there’s toilet humor involved, you may want to save that joke for a time when our parents aren’t around.
2. It takes a lot of time to look like this. There’s this standing joke about how, ha-ha, it takes women forever to get ready. Well, if you had to go through what we go through to put ourselves together for a night out, you’d be in there twice as long. Seriously. Ideally, you love us for how we look without makeup and wearing a pair of musty old sweats, but if we take the time to get all fancy, we hope you’ll appreciate all the work that went into it.
3. We’re, like, psychic. OK, maybe not literally, but we’re pretty tuned in—at least most of us are—to the subconscious gyrations of those around us, particularly when it comes to those of the opposite sex with whom we are involved. That makes lying pointless. And trying to hide stuff futile. Whether we address it or not is another issue altogether, but there’s really no point in playing hide-and-seek with the truth when you’re living with a walking lie detector test.
4. The best way to pick up a woman. Cook says a bad joke is the best way to pick up a guy, and he should know. After years spent as a cocktail waitress, the one method for hitting on a woman I saw that never failed wasn’t buying her a drink, spouting off a cheesy line, or telling a joke, it was doing a magic trick. It sounds corny, but the guys who walked over to girls and started doing little tricks—one guy turned a dollar bill into an origami frog—were the ones who got the women interested.
5. Relationships are work. Sometimes it seems like guys have this “Yo, it works or it doesn’t” attitude when it comes to being in a relationship. Get over it. It’s not like you have that relationship to you car. Don’t maintain it, and you’ll end up on the side of the road. Sex may “just happen,” but dealing with one another day in and out isn’t like a paid vacation. You better work, baby.
6. X marks the G-spot. Look, not all of us know where our G-spot is, but if it would behoove both of us if we figured it out. Then, you can really get us going. That we like.
7. We don’t always need a Mr. Fix-It. There are times when we need you to deal with a broken dishwasher situation, but there are times when we have a problem, and we don’t need you to solve it. We need you to listen. Heck, you don’t even have to listen. Just pretend like you’re listening. If we want to know how to arrive at a solution, we’ll ask you. Until then, we’re going to yak about it. ‘Nuff said.[The Hairpin]
Original by Susannah Breslin