I was reading this article where a woman claims her good friend came up with what she calls the perfect post-breakup recipe. Her post-breakup regime includes “a prescription for the anti-insomnia medication Ambien, so she could sleep at last, and a five-point recovery plan that included a rigorous exercise program and a few nights of passion with a beautiful stranger.” I recently broke up with a guy that I was dating casually for about six months. I was forced to dump this dude because while I liked so many things about him, he didn’t want a relationship and I did. Plain and simple. It felt like it was the appropriate moment in our relationship—and in my love life—to take a stand against all illegitimate dating situations. I’ve done enough ambiguous dating/hooking up already. I’m going for all or nothing now.
The funny thing is that I never really thought I cared about him that much until we were done. I can’t stop thinking about him. It sucks. And it doesn’t help that he keeps emailing me, asking to hang out and be friends. As Lady Gaga would say, or rather scream, “I don’t wanna be friends!” I don’t need any friends whose clothes I want to rip off. It’s only been three weeks, but I have faith in myself that I can stay the post-breakup course. Oh, and I also have my foolproof recipe for Post-Breakup Pie. Check it out below!
- Post-breakup Pie:
1. 4 cups of remove all immediate reminders
Unfriend him or at least hide him on Facebook. No internet stalking AT ALL. Erase his phone number from your phone. I always scribble it down somewhere and hide it from myself along with a list of things I didn’t like about him. Example:
Bradley 555-5555, narcissist and flake, makes funny noises in bed.
Then someday I’ll find his number and laugh. And if I have a moment of weakness and seek his number like a fiend, I’ll be reminded of his worst qualities before I drunk dial.
2. Stir in 2 generous helpings of no communication
Unsubscribe to his emails … no writing back. And don’t you dare contact him for any reason. Just completely cease and desist until you don’t get wet seeing his name in your inbox.
3. A pinch of someone else
A makeout session or even a flirty conversation with someone you find attractive usually works. No need to have sex or anything. Just distract yourself for a minute or two to remember what it feels like to get excited about someone else.
4. 1/2 cup of self-reflection
Hot yoga is good for sweating him out while making you look and feel amazing. Spend some down time figuring out why it didn’t work and what positives you can take away from the situation. Find a sense of purpose to it.
5. 3 tablespoons of s**t-talking
It’s OK, make fun of him a little bit with your friends. What was up with his shoes? And why did he whine like a little girl during sex?
6. 1 bottle of wine
Wine is good, sad is bad. Don’t be afraid to have a glass or two. Just not so much that you want to find his phone number and drunk text.
7. Set the oven to as many degrees for as much time as you need and let that sucker bake
Sometimes it’s a week. Sometimes it’s years. I have this one guy whose post-breakup pie has been in my oven for ten years! It still needs a few more minutes. This is the part you don’t have much control over. But usually one day you wake up and magically, your pie is done. And it’s always worth the wait.
This is what works for me. What’s your post-breakup recipe?
Original by Beth Ames