Love is elusive. Therefore, you must find ways to soothe your existential loneliness. I’m not talking about your most reliable booty call because even fun-but-meaningless hookups lose their appeal in times of extreme single angst. The itch you’re trying to scratch is not sex, but LOVE. And boyfriends who love you are so hard to come. Until you trip over one, you’re going to need an alternative (and a many bottles of wine). I present Dutch designer Noortje de Keijzer’s “My Knitted Boyfriend,” a customized man-shaped pillow she calls “Arthur.” As the description on her website says:
“My Knitted Boyfriend is a cushion with a story. A cushion with a personality. A cushion to kiss! Or, well… to cuddle, to caress, to hug, and to smile with. Because this man is always happy. And he is flexible as well. He will have a mustache if you prefer mustaches. He will wear glasses if you prefer glasses. He likes to sit on your floor, on your couch or at you dinner table. But most of all he likes to lay down next to you in bed. With your head on his chest and his arms wrapped around you. This way you will never feel alone ever again. With this man you can be sure, he will never leave you.”
Life with My Knitted Boyfriend sounds absolutely divine. Just throw him in the washing machine when he’s getting on your nerves and he emerges smelling like a Downey ball. If only all aspects of life were that simple. We could knit perfect careers and families and apartments that always have hot water and the world would be a fucking utopia. MyBig Fat Knitted Life. Maybe someday. For now … you can knit yourself a man.
If knitted dudes aren’t your thing, don’t worry, there are other options. Here are some other totally viable boyfriend alternatives in your time of need.
Source: ebay
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My Virtual Boyfriend
My Virtual Boyfriend is a dating game that allows you to go out with virtual dudes with their own personalities and customizable appearances. In response to hippie dude’s question, NO, I do not like to go camping in Parizad. Or anywhere for that matter. At least I can rest assured he won’t be as insulted as OKCupid guys are when I reject them.
The Inflatable John Doll
John would be overjoyed to go shopping for new wedges with you this weekend! He doesn’t have any plans at all. [Amazon]
Rent A Boyfriend
In China you can rent a boyfriend like Zhoa Jianqiang for the day. For a base fee of $90, he will hang out with you and give you as many hugs as you need. You’ll have to pay extra for him to go shopping, carry your bags or have a glass of wine with you. No sex, because that would make him a jiggalo. Still, that’s a deal. [Business Insider]
Source: virtualworldsforadults
Boyfriend Plus
Formerly Boyfriend Maker, this dating game was temporarily pulled from the App store because the “boyfriends” were calling their ladies sluts. Don’t worry, they’ve been reprogrammed to be much more respectful and considerate of your feelings.
Inflatable Man Bath Pillow
You deserve a man who wants to join you in the bath. As an added bonus, you’ll never have to see his penis float.
Male Sex Dolls
There are sooo many eligible male sex dolls who are just waiting for you to buy them. I’m personally really into Nate because he has the best taste in music and likes to shop for records when he’s not at band practice.
Source: meo
Boyfriend Pillow
He’s not knitted, but he’s still comfie as hell. And washing machine safe! [Amazon]
Anatomically Correct Man
Hold his heart in your hands. Literally. His penis, too, if you’re in the mood. [Amazon]
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