I’m not going to lie: When I first read the words “Usher dick pic,” I quickly realized my thirst and that I am part of the problem. Like, the idea of a photo of Usher’s penis on Snapchat made me happier than I’m comfortable admitting. Anyone with working ears and an appreciation for silky smooth jams and killer abs has had a least a fleeting crush on Usher. I’m so convinced of this universal crush, I can only assume he explicitly wrote the song “You Make Me Wanna” in reference to the rest of the world wanting to cheat on their partners with him. The math just adds up, guys. I’m pretty sure about this theory.
Sadly, his snapchat “dick pic” doesn’t even begin to graze the iceberg of creative or sensual possibilities a dick pic could achieve, which is ridiculous because this is fucking Usher. Rather than properly leveraging his sex appeal to send out an international thirst trap, Usher took a Myspace-style selfie that blurs out his dick and makes him look like a sad 12-year-old boy. It manages to make you feel inappropriate looking at it, but in the opposite way of a normal dick pic. There’s this feeling that you shouldn’t be there, but he wants you there, but he has no idea what to do with your presence.
Apparently this new cultural touchstone was taken just minutes after he’d gotten out of his steam shower, as is made apparent by his caption “blowing off steam.” The most baffling part of this photo is that he obviously intended for it to be provocative or sexy, we all know he has the capability to successfully be provocative and sexy, and yet he settled on a pose that feels like a bird’s eye view of the bathroom.
As you can imagine, people on Twitter had some feelings about Usher’s snapchat decision.
I have no doubt in my mind that Piers Morgan actively follows Usher on all social media accounts and understands none of it.
I think this thigh gap tweet ultimately expresses why this snapchat created the opposite effect than Usher intended, unless of course he wanted to flex a skinny girl look.
OK, I’m opposed to waist trainers for 8,000 reasons (keeping my bones being one of them), but as a tea lover I would fucking get down on some Usher tea. What flavors would he put out? Loose leaf or bagged? Either way, I’m here for it. Me and my society-instilled body image issues are ready to buy whatever Usher and his dick want to sell me.
My favorite tweet might be this one, which effectively calls out the double standard online. People are laughing off his dick pic, but if he was a woman posting a nude we know there’d be some legitimately angry backlash.
Keep snapping, Usher, you’ll hit your stride.
Original by: Bronwyn Isaac @BronwynIsaac