This is our friend Tom. He’s a married guy with tons of relationship experience, and a skilled advice giver who’s here to answer all your pressing sex, dating and relationship questions. Have a query for Tom?
I met my current boyfriend about 10 months ago. After I broke up with my last boyfriend in April, my current BF would invite me to dinners and tell me he liked me a lot, but never proposed entering into a relationship with me. Whenever I asked him if he had a girlfriend, he would get reluctant and change the topic. When I went on a trip in May, he made it clear he didn’t want me to be seeing another person. Then when I moved away for a two-month internship, he told me he loved me. Then he disappeared for a few days saying he was upset because he saw me flirting on Facebook with another guy.
I came back home and found out he had a girlfriend all this time, and that he went to Malaysia with her during his mysterious disappearance. I confronted him. He said they were almost over by the time they went on the trip and swore he didn’t have sex with her at that time. But I went through his email and found out that wasn’t true, and that he was being extremely sweet to her. But then he asked for a second chance and I gave it to him.
We have been dating for two months now, but I can’t bear the thought that he deceived me. What should I do?
So this guy is a confessed liar and a cheat, and you wonder what I think you should do?
You should run a mile from him. And deep down, you already know that. Let’s run down the rap sheet of this confessed relationship criminal, shall we?
He was two-timing you. It’s an open and shut case: you have the email evidence. And he didn’t do it in the middle of a long relationship, with all their ups and downs, and opportunities for our Neanderthal brains to make flesh and blood mistakes. No, he cheated on you from the beginning, and throughout the “golden” first six months of your relationship. That is unforgivable, right off the bat.
Then he violated two basic concepts of a relationship:
- He said “I don’t want you seeing anyone else”, while … er … seeing someone else. That’s the clearest case of “one rule for you, another rule for me” in the history of dating. It’s also the FUNDAMENTAL conversation that defines dating. The “are we exclusive?” talk prevents people from ever being confused about what kind of relationship you are in. It’s a sacrosanct ritual, and he messed with it. Appalling.
- He abused the L word (“love”), right before your two-month out of town internship. In the 21st century, people who drop that word right before an enforced separation are understood to be CEMENTING a relationship, like soldiers proposing to their sweethearts right before they leave for war. He didn’t cement anything, except his own scumbaggery, by declaring his love, and then gallivanting off on a Malaysian fuck-fest (if you believe he didn’t have sex with that other girl on that trip, you’re delusional). It’s reprehensible.
Finally, he demonstrated his credentials as a complete and utter punk bitch by having the nerve to project his guilty conscience onto you as an excuse for going AWOL. He blamed your “flirting with an imaginary Facebook dude” for why he wasn’t in touch during his Malaysian cock-stravaganza. That tells you two things: 1) he’s a brazen, craven liar who won’t just avoid responsibility but dumps it on others, and 2) he’s the kind of cheap loser who won’t pay for smart phone service while traveling overseas.
You should kick this guy out of your life immediately. The house you’re building was built on a foundation of cheating and deception. Whatever he may say, he has learned NOTHING from the experience, because you made sure there were no consequences by letting him get away with it. An unchastened cheater will probably cheat again. You owe it yourself, and to the rest of the dating, pool to dump this guy. And dump him HARD.
Original by Tom Cowell