Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily lead me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…
Professional sword swallowing is an ancient art form that allows a performer to gulp down a 15-inch sword like it’s a steak dinner. All I’m asking is to be able to deep throat a penis! So, I sat down with a professional side show performer currently starring at Ripley’s Believe It Or Not in New York City, Albert Cadabra, to learn the magic tricks of the trade, in the hope that they will improve our already stellar BJ skills. WARNING: Do not try sword swallowing at home, unless “sword” is a euphemism for penis. The people that practice this craft are highly trained professionals. These tips are just for dicks!
WHO’S TO BLAME
Your gag reflex is a soft palate in the back of your throat. Designed to stop you from choking to death, your desire to deep throat can overcome its power. But don’t worry, swallowing a sword whole won’t destroy your gag reflex. As Albert put it, “I’ve just learned to control it.”
WHAT TO DO
“If you look at a model of the human body, there’s a straight line from the throat to the stomach. All you have to do is control those pesky gag reflexes and drop the sword.” Albert promises. Sure, that sounds easy enough, but you have to become the master of that reflex. You gotta tell it who’s boss! Here’s how to train yourself:
1. Chillax: Just like anything you do in the boudoir, it only works if you’re relaxed.
2. Spot On: Open your mouth, stick your tongue out, and use a toothbrush or your finger to find exactly where your gag reflex is. You’ll know when you’ve hit it because, well, you’ll start gagging.
3. Brush Up: Now, take your toothbrush and scrub that area for ten seconds, or as long as you can before you feel puke coming up. Or keep going if you’re bulimic. Kidding!
4. Practice: Repeat step three as often as possible. Albert encourages, “You basically need to shove something back there at least a dozen times, seven days a week. This can be anything from a toothbrush to your finger.” But, for us amateurs, at lest once a day is good for training.
5. How Deep Is Your Love: As you get more comfortable during practice, start brushing further down the back of your tongue. You don’t have to brush further than the parts of your tongue that you can see. Now you’re getting the soft palate!
6. Maintenance If you don’t use it, you lose it! To keep yourself in peak deep throat condition, do step three everyday.
WHERE YOU CAN GO WRONG
“We [sword swallowers] don’t shove. When you shove, you get hurt. You have to be lucid and in control. If your guard is down, you’ll get hurt,” warns Cadabra. Plus, nothing can kill a blow job quite like puking. So, don’t push yourself. As Cadabra says, “For a good BJ, a woman just has to go down there in the first place. Most men, if they have half a brain, are not going to complain because we are just happy they are down there in the first place. Any sword swallowing techniques used would just be an added bonus.”
TIME TABLE
“Basically it takes years to physically re-train your throat to not do something that is meant to keep you from harm — that is, gagging on anything that is not chewed food.” Heck, some people can never learn to control their gagging, after all it is a reflex! But Cadabra was able to persevere and found that, with this strict training regiment (see step four), “It took [me] at least a year to not trigger the gag reflexes.” But ladies, he’s a professional who shoves a 15-inch sword down his throat. We just have to try to take on a man!
EMBARRASSMENT FACTOR
“You have to convince yourself that it’s a normal thing to do,” promises Albert. Because clearly, controlling any reflex is not. The training might be uncomfortable, gross, and fruitless. You might accidentally puke. However, there’s only one way to find out of you can do the craft, you’ve got to try!
TIPS
1. Hummer: Humming while you try to deep throat not only feels good for him, it can stifle your gag reflex.
2. Afternoon Delight: Morning wood is poorly timed, as it’s hardest to control your gag reflex when you’re just starting your day.
3. Positioning: Tilting your head back straightens out the line to your stomach. While no man is doing to go that deep, it is easiest to beat your gag reflex in a position where your chin is high, your neck is straight, and you’re standing up. However, that may be impossible in the sack. So, try a 69 where you’re on your back.
4. Just Breathe: Don’t hold your breath. Breathe through your nose because your mouth is gonna be busy!
5. Gag Me: Do not go straight into deep throat mode. Start out a BJ by doing the usual sucking and licking, it’ll warm you both up!
SEXY TIME
Deep throating feels good, but blow jobs are about so much more than that. “Keep in mind most guys like the sound of a BJ. So, if the women reading this decide to become deep throat experts, they should still make it seem like they are having difficulty taking their man completely,” Albert advises.
FUNKY FACTS
1. One third of the population doesn’t even have a gag reflex! For them, deep throating will be no problem.
2. Sword swallowing gained popularity in America after it was featured at the World Colombian Exposition at the Chicago World’s Fair back in 1893.
3. The term “deep throat” comes from a classic 1972 porn that stars Linda Lovelace. She plays a woman whose clitoris is located in the back of her throat.
4. “Deep Throat” is currently being remade by XXX production company, Vivid. You can see what it’s like behind the scenes on Showtime’s “Deeper Throat”.
5. Madonna can deep throat, of course. The Material Girl is multi-talented!
6. Sword swallowing was originally a religious display. In the Middle Ages, sword swallowers were persecuted because they were considered witches involved in the dark arts.
Original by Dr. V
