I write this to you in the heat of the moment, still disgusted at what I just witnessed in the company ladies room. IT WAS NOT PRETTY. In fact, after slurping down several tall glasses of Long Island Iced Teas during a barbecue yesterday, I was forced to stop at a seedy, highway rest stop McDonald’s to pee, and I’m sad to report that their women’s restroom was cleaner than the one in my office building. But this isn’t just happening in my building. Gag-worthy workplace bathrooms— particularly ladies’ rooms— have become an epidemic. We can all relate.
Flush your shit, ladies. There’s nothing I hate more than walking into a bathroom stall to find another woman’s lunch debris floating around. All you have to do is flush the toilet. Use your foot if you’re so obliged, but whatever you do, do NOT leave your pee, poop or God knows what else on display for me and the rest of the world to see. Embarrassed that you might have to flush the toilet twice in front of other co-workers to make sure everything goes down properly? Suck it up. Everybody poops, but not everybody is an asshole who leaves it there, stinking up the place. If you wouldn’t leave your number two in the toilet in your home, why would you do it at work? Let’s pretend the guy or girl you’re dating is going to use the restroom right after you. Handle your business the way you would in that scenario, because I KNOW you wouldn’t let hot Tinder guy come face-to-face with your BM.
Also, let’s talk about squatting etiquette. Some people have germ phobias and refuse to sit on public toilet seats, or any toilet seat that’s not in their own home for that matter. I get it. I’m often a squatter myself, especially after a friend of mine contracted ringworm on her vagina from a public toilet seat and I’m now petrified to come within seven inches of a bowl. But here’s the thing: we don’t have the aim accuracy like men do. We sometimes spray urine, leak on the seats and, if you’re having a bad day, miss the toilet entirely. When this happens, CLEAN IT UP. It’s your pee, and you don’t have to actually TOUCH the toilet seat. Grab a wad of toilet paper and wipe it up like a big girl, because sometimes people do sit on the toilet seats, and the last thing they want to feel when they attempt to relieve themselves is the warmth of someone else’s urine. It’s gross. Oh, and then flush that toilet tissue, as we’ve previously discussed. If pieces of the said tissue fall onto the floor, pick that up too. You’re a LADY, and above that, a modern-day human with opposable thumbs.
Also, stall walls are not depositories. I work in a corporate office where adults of every age, race, size, culture and gender come to be professionals. We all share bathrooms and must be respectful of each other, which includes not wiping boogers (yes, I used the word boogers because I think it paints a better picture than the word snot), period blood, feces or anything else on the walls. What ever happened to writing your friend’s phone number as a joke on a stall wall? That’s a better alternative than this. I don’t need you to leave any kind of cavewall drawings in your own menstrual blood, because it’s not only gross, but seriously concerns me about your mental state. I also don’t need to be sitting there (or squatting) and realize that 9 inches from my head rests someone’s crusty snot collection. I once saw a booger on a company bathroom wall with an actual nose hair in it, and I’m now gagging for having drudged up that memory.
As women, we all know about the complications of Aunt Flo’s monthly visit. Most of us get periods, and will have to use tampons or pads to keep things tidy. It boggles my mind that women will bleed for a week every month and manage to deal with cramps, PMS and blood pouring out of our bodies, but we are unable to then dispose of a fucking tampon. If you can’t flush it, wrap it up with a wrapper or toilet paper and put it in the receptacle in the stall. Nobody wants to see your blood. Here’s a thought: pretend you’re the custodian or janitor who has to clean that bathroom. Would you want to open up the little white container to find used, open maxi pads containing 6 different women’s blood? Hell to the NO. But it’s someone’s job and you’re probably making them hate it more than they already do. Don’t be that person.
With that said, I hope everybody realizes that the disguising mess left in a bathroom has the ability to ruin another person’s day. My entire afternoon has been tarnished after seeing what I saw in our ladies’ room, and I will probably force dehydrate myself so I don’t have to step back into that hell.
I leave you with this catchy reminder that lived in a needlepoint art piece on my Grandma’s bathroom wall throughout my childhood: “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.” If you don’t I hope you slip in it. (That last part was added by me.) Good day.