Girl Talk: The Truth About Blowjobs

When it comes to giving oral sex, or as one of my friends calls it, sucky sucky, women seem to fall into two camps: LOVE IT or HATE IT. When gossiping about sex, I feel this overwhelming pressure to declare that I go hog wild for head or loathe it so much that I’ve taken it off the sexual menu with the exception of special occasions, like birthdays. (I’ve never understood that, by the way. Why would you give the gift of something you supposedly hate?) On the subject of blowjobs, there is a subtle urging to take sides. “Too much work!”  or “Yummy! Cock!” As I sit there, feeling terribly neutral about the act, I can’t help but suspect that women have been conditioned to have strong, polarized feelings about giving head — or at least to play up their feelings for effect.

May I present a radical idea: Sucky sucky is not something you should love or hate. There are so many factors which influence a blowjob — who, when, how many times you’ve sucked it, where, what time of day, and whether or not you’re receiving oral sex at the same time — that make any kind of generalized statement about the act impossible. In the Buddhist sense, it’s neither good nor bad. A blowjob just is.

Over the years, I’ve enjoyed giving some blow jobs more than others. The first one I gave, while drunk on some ungodly tequila mixture at age 14, was not the best introduction to thing. But I bounced back and by college I was sucking D on my dorm room balcony in sub-zero temperatures like a pro. I went through a brief disenchantment with oral in my mid-20’s because I had a boyfriend who made no noise when I sucked his. But in my late 20s I was back on my knees. I’ve given unmemorable blow jobs and memorable ones — like, the one I gave to a guy with a monster-sized dick. I thought I would choke to death. There was the one I gave in a moving car. The one in the bathroom of a boyfriend’s childhood home. The one I gave on an airplane for three seconds before I chickened out. All the cocks sucked seem to cancel each other out, leaving me shrugging my shoulders about the whole thing.

All of this is irrelevant though because the thing I’ve realized about giving oral sex is that it’s not really about my pleasure. Unless you’re a woman who truly gets off on the feeling of a dick in her mouth (and if so, more power to you!), your feelings about blowjobs will depend mostly on your feelings about your partner.That doesn’t mean that you should ever suck dick if it makes you uncomfortable or if you haven’t consented to it. Of course not. But presuming you are game to please, you have to remember that you’re not giving head for your own pleasure.

So, maybe you don’t love having a penis in your mouth for more than 15 minutes, but you do love the look of ecstasy on your man’s face, the feeling you get from making him feel SO good. Maybe you want to repay him for the amazing oral sex he gave you last night. Maybe you want to show him how sexy you think he is or how much you love him. Maybe having his most sensitive organ between your teeth makes you feel powerful. Depending on your mood and your feelings toward the person you’re blowing on any particular day, any of these things might be true.

The same holds true when your partner’s mouth is between your legs. That moment isn’t about how much they love (or hate) performing cunnulingus, it’s about how good it feels for you. We’re all adults here, so if and when his tongue or your jaw becomes too sore to soldier on — it’s also OK to be done, orgasm or not. This is the part I think women miss. We put too much pressure on ourselves to give a perfect, enthusiastic, energetic blowjob every time, which I think is the major reason some women say that they hate blowjobs. They’re just not giving themselves permission to be done, and move onto other sexual activities. There are so many to choose from!

I urge you to remember that you don’t have to have a stance on sucking penis. There’s no need for every blowjob to be statement. Stop worrying about your own pleasure or performance for a minute — or the next 20. Let giving head be what it is: most of the time, not such a huge deal.

[Photo from Shutterstock]