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Earlier this morning, I learned that I only have 11 months and 29 days to find a boyfriend and convince him to marry me (or else!). With that in mind, I decided it was time to get serious, really serious, about what I’m looking for in a partner, that way I don’t spend next Valentine’s Day all alone, mourning the fact that my perfect marriage date has passed. So I made a checklist of all the qualities I’m looking for in a significant other. It’s pretty short. I’m sure I can find someone who fits all the criteria.
Source: trello.com
The man I am looking for…
- …knows the following about Diet Coke: Fountain > Can > Bottle.
- …makes things with his hands.
- …doesn’t mind that reruns of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” take up most of my DVR space.
- …randomly tells me I’m beautiful.
- …keeps an eye out for vintage Sweet Valley High and V.C. Andrews paperbacks when he goes to used bookstores.
- …thinks my Lucca voice is cute.
- …doesn’t let his phone die on a routine basis.
- …is an adventurous eater.
- …is down to read books aloud to each other in funny voices.
- …did not attend an Ivy League.
- …thinks “Fear” starring Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon is a pretty great movie.
- …retweets me without being asked.
- …thinks it’s cool that I wrote about my colonic yesterday.
- …would still love me even if my foot picking habit started up again.
- …would let me fuck Ryan Gosling and/or Charlie Hunnam, just once.
- …doesn’t give a shit about the Olympics.
- …would never try and take a bath with me.
- …will ALWAYS DVR “The Notebook.”
- …is good with his penis.
- …goes to therapy.
- …wants kids.
- …has access to a rocket ship.
- …takes his shirt off the sexy way, every single time.
- …rolls a solid joint.
- …thinks I am HILARIOUS.
- …will memorize the placement of all nine of my bed pillows.
- …uses a fresh wet washcloth to clean my back/stomach/whatever after he comes there, not a dry piece of toilet paper.
- …can cook a better steak than me.
- …admits I cook a better pork tenderloin.
- …doesn’t shave every day.
- …doesn’t care if I shave every day.
- …knows all the lyrics to Queen’s “Somebody To Love.”
- …will never ever ever snore.
- …is masterful at braiding hair and will be happy to braid my hair whenever I ask, in any style I ask for, including the impossible (for me) to figure out waterfall braid.
- …has read just enough Ayn Rand to know he hates her.
- …brings me perfect, unchipped seashells from every beachy locale he visits.
- …is somehow related to Sir Patrick Stewart.
- …has no refractory period.
- …is really excited about spending next summer watching “Big Brother” live feeds with me.
- …rides a motorcycle but isn’t a douche about it.
- …is a cuddle monster.
- …thinks spying on the neighbors with my binoculars is a cool idea not a creepy one.
- …reads his horoscope.
- …won’t ask for a threesome for his birthday.
- …thinks my number of prior sexual partners is “just right.”
- …doesn’t know who Farrah Abraham is.
- …likes to hold hands in public.
- …doesn’t mind that the white noise I need in order to fall asleep at night is the gentle hum of the Starship Enterprise.
- …never reads Buzzfeed.
- …has no opinions on women wearing makeup or yoga pants.
- …always puts the toilet seat down.
- …calls me “baby girl” sometimes in a way that is decisively sexy and not infantilizing.
- …upon seeing my pubic hair for the first time, declares, “Haphazardly shaved into a tuft is my favorite style, how did you know?”
- …doesn’t feign an embarrassing accent when ordering at an ethnic restaurant.
- …would sooner saw off his foot than attend Burning Man.
- …has genetically superior hair follicles and will never go bald.
- …is addicted to giving oral sex.
- …loves blowjobs, but only for about six minutes and 37 seconds, conveniently when my jaw starts to cramp.
- …calls it a crockpot not a slow cooker.
- …is mindful of using the correct pronouns when talking about or addressing a trans person.
- …will install an indoor hammock in my apartment.
- …thinks it’s his responsibility to pay for half of my birth control prescription.
- …can make his penis wave.
- …doesn’t have an evil side that only comes out at the airport when we’re traveling somewhere together.
- …does that thing where he holds my face when we make out sometimes.
- …loves my mom and my brother.
- …doesn’t overdo it with the Throwback Thursday photos on Instagram.
- …is prepared for the zombie apocalypse.
- …helps old people across the street and parents carry strollers up the stairs.
- …never takes the elevator to the second floor and will exchange a low-profile eye roll with me when someone else does.
- …doesn’t respond to IMs or texts with one word responses like “sure” or “okay.”
- …understands there are three sides to the bed — my side, his side, and Lucca’s side, and that’s that.
- …when in doubt, just gives me a gift card to Madewell.
- …does NOT own a garlic press because they are stupid and wasteful.
- …has a passion that he pursues, in some way.
- …thinks Valentine’s Day is a bullshit made up corporate holiday that very few people actually care about, but will still do something nice for the occasion anyway.
- …has peony season noted in his calendar.
- …never ever ever votes Republican.
- …is not threatened by my Pinterest Boyfriends Board, but does look to it for beard-grooming inspiration.
- …does not know what thigh gap is, and when I tell him, responds with “meh.”
- …agrees to send me to space camp should he ever win a large sum of money.
- …likes the way I smell at any given time of day.
- …can tune and teach me to play my ukelele.
- …is kind.
- …asks me questions about my family and shares stories about his.
- …isn’t weird about how my dad died.
- …thinks my remedial understanding of even basic geography is adorable.
- …has no food allergies.
- …shares my dishwasher loading philosophy.
- …would not only never defend Woody Allen, but calls out those that do.
- …will drop everything to move to LA with me (when I decide it’s time to move to LA).
- …listens to hip hop.
- …appreciates but doesn’t take advantage of how loyal I am.
- …is secretly a superhero.
- …makes an effort to recycle.
- …tans well.
- …always tips, even when the service isn’t good, because he understands good people have off days.
- …doesn’t judge me for the amount of unread emails in my inbox.
- …has a mixture of high brow and low brow taste in pop culture and entertainment.
- …loves me for exactly who I am, silly 100-point checklist and all.
Original by Amelia McDonell-Parry @xoamelia
