“Coach Lee” as he is known by his clients is a breakup coach whose unusual specialty is helping people get their ex back after a breakup. He has been in the relationship-recovery service for nineteen years.
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1. What mistakes do people make after a breakup if they want their ex back?
For starters, people panic. That’s one of the first things I have to address with many of my coaching clients because when people panic, they react from a position of weakness. This puts the other person in the position of power. They are in the position of deciding the status of the relationship whereas the one who has been dumped is trying to do whatever possible to change their mind. So the one who has been dumped is basically begging for mercy at this point. That is certainly not attractive or effective and almost always pushes dumper even further away.
Source: Medium
The second most common mistake is that people approach their ex using logic and reason. In other words, people try to say that the two should get back together because of the great times they’ve had or because they own a house or business together. Maybe the person being dumped will promise change and to correct the issues that supposedly, but unlikely, caused the breakup. This is unlikely to work because even if there were certain issues that contributed to the breakup, those issues caused a drop in emotional attraction which, unfortunately, means that you can’t “reason” them into feeling that attraction again. Don’t get me wrong, the dumper can feel emotional attraction again, but can’t be talked or argued into it.
The final mistake I’ll touch on is believing that if you can convince the other person how much you love them, then they won’t want the breakup and will, instead, want to stay together with you. The problem here is that as I mentioned in the second point, even if that was a concern they had in the relationship, if their emotional attraction has fallen because of it, promises of change won’t be enough to instantly reignite their attraction. So convincing them you love them won’t be enough. It also isn’t that important because it’s very likely that they already know you love them. The issue is not if you love them and want them but if THEY love and want you. They are leaving because they don’t feel the same love for you that they once did or to the level that matches their expectations of how they should feel for you. So how you feel isn’t that important in this situation. What they feel, or what they don’t, is the matter of concern.
So those three areas are where people spin their wheels at best or push the leaving partner even further away at worst. Part of my job as a breakup coach and with my Emergency Breakup Kit is to keep people from doing the wrong or unproductive things so that they can focus on doing the right things to get their ex back. This is often the most difficult part because people feel like these things are the right things to do and that is extremely deceptive to someone in something as emotionally difficult as a breakup.
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2. What should they do instead?
After a breakup, many of my clients first tried one or all of the things I mentioned earlier that they should not do. After that is usually when they book a call with me or get my Emergency Breakup Kit and learn that they shouldn’t have done those things.
Many of them have already figured out the hard way that those things didn’t serve them at all in terms of getting their ex back. So now they want to know what to do. The first thing I’ll say is that the person who has been dumped must make the breakup easy in one way but difficult in another.
Easy in that they should give the breakup. That means that, though some initial pushback is a good thing, that the person being broken up with should accept and respect the decision of their soon-to-be ex-partner to breakup. Parting best wishes should be said, and then the dumped needs to leave or get off the phone.
It is at that point that the process of re-attracting the ex may begin. The dumper person disappears and allows the other person to truly experience the breakup. This is the so-called No Contact Rule and it works. There are other things to do during no contact that make it more effective and increase your odds that I go over on my website, but if you get the disappearing part right, you are way ahead of the game.
Source: primexvents.com
3. Why is being dumped so difficult?
Because of the sense of loss. It is far more difficult for people to experience the loss of something or someone they had than never having them in the first place.
The desire to reclaim or get back what has been lost is intense and instinctive. Many times people who have been dumped confuse the pain of loss with love. They are not the same but often seem that way. That is one reason people are so distraught after a breakup. Another is that people often attach their value to another person. So if this other person decides that they don’t want to be with you romantically than you feel less valuable until you can get them to want to be with you again.
It probably doesn’t surprise anyone that I am going to say that no one’s value is decided by another person and that another person wanting to be with you or not does not add or take away from your value, but people often feel that their value is based on another person or their relationship status when they have been dumped.
So those two things combined – the sense of loss and feeling the damage to our own value – when added to the obvious pain of a loved one no longer wanting a relationship with us, makes a breakup extremely difficult.
Source: Business Magazine
4. Anything else you’d like to add about this process?
It’s usually more difficult than most people think to leave the other person alone following a breakup.Usually, it feels like nothing is being done toward getting the other person back. People are bewitched by the idea of reaching out, and I’ve even had coaching clients who I advised to stay in no contact who booked another call with me only to say that they reached out because they felt it was a good idea to “open the lines of communication.”
No one can ever give me a good reason why, but it feels like reaching out could do something. I liken it to rattling the cage of some poor animal at a zoo – you just want it to do something. Based on nineteen years in the relationship-recovery industry I can tell you that that is a terrible strategy and is almost certain to fail for many reasons.
So I encourage those who have been dumped to stand their ground and let the other person come to you. Don’t fall for the illusion of action. Reaching out to your ex too soon might feel good and feel productive, but it’s just running on a treadmill at best in terms of getting your ex back – you’re getting nowhere.
Coach Lee is a relationship expert who specializes in helping people get their ex back after a breakup. His website is MyExBackCoach.com and includes articles on relationship enrichment. He is also a contributor to Thrive Global and other publications.
