I recently spoke with Jen, a sex surrogate. For those of you asking: “Wait. A whaaat?” allow me to explain. A sex surrogate is sort of like a sex worker, but one that works with a licensed therapist to help men struggling with sexual issues. Jen has worked with world renowned, Oprah-approved sex therapists as a surrogate. While she doesn’t have actual sexual intercourse with her clients, Jen’s sessions typically include touch, which means, yes, she handles lots of penises. The most common problem amongst the men Jen works with is premature ejaculation. If you are playing the field (or even if you’re off the market), statistically, it’s highly likely that you will encounter a premature ejaculator. I know I have, and it was awkward at best. In the hopes that you’ll be prepared if it happens to you, I asked Jen for some advice about how to handle a premature situation. After the jump, helpful tips from a professional.
1. Understand his anxiety. The first thing you should encourage your man to do is see a doctor to get his hormones checked and/or a therapist to treat a possible anxiety disorder. Premature ejaculation is often caused by anxiety. Understand that he is stuck in his head (the big one, not the little one). “Some people are so removed from their physical presence that they need to learn how to be in their body,” Jen says. This is why a man’s first appointment with Jen always starts with touch. Jen asks her client to touch her hand and describe what it feels like. A guy who is stuck in his head can’t tell you if its hot or cold or soft or bumpy because he is not tuned in to his own experience. Sometimes Jen will do this exercise for up to three weeks until he can describe his physical sensations more accurately. Jen suggests open dialogue with your man about fixing the problem together. If he’s not working with a professional, try the touch exercise at home to help him get out of his head. Also, Jen recommends checking out some books on tantric sex. Because tantra combines meditation and being in the moment with sex, it’s perfect for soothing sexual anxieties.
2. Talk about the difference between “sexual” and “sensual.” According to Jen, one of the main problems with a premature ejaculator is that he tends to sexualize sex too much. Instead of enjoying the build up leading up to the big moment, he gets ahead of himself. “People think premature ejaculation is a result of too much sensation, like the penis is so sensitive but it has nothing to do with the penis. He gets so caught up in thought of his orgasm that he climaxes right away,” says Jen.For this, Jen does something called body traces, which is about re-learning how to receive touch and enjoy it in the moment without sexualizing. “You take his hand and you guide it around your body, explaining this is sensual not sexual. You tell him where you like to be touched. This is meant to teach him that touching a boob doesn’t mean ‘boner’, it just means ‘this is what a boob feels like,’” Jen explains. Next Jen asks the men where they like to be touched. “A lot of these guys don’t even know! They get to learn that a hand down the hip bone can feel great too.” Have a conversation with your man about sensuality versus sexuality. Try Jen’s exercise, but also work on having “sensual sessions” that don’t involve sexual intercourse. Keep enjoying touch, do other things. Take the pressure off of his orgasm being the end-all-be-all.
3. Don’t shame him. Premature ejaculation often comes with a lot of shame and embarrassment. If he is worrying while being intimate with you, the premature ejaculation often becomes a self -fulfilling prophecy. So keep your partner’s feelings in mind– further shaming is going to make the problem, worse! When you bring it up the impact premature ejaculation is having on your sex life, Jen warns against doing it while you guy are well, doing it. Try starting the conversation at more neutral time, like over a dinner or some time when you are bonding in a platonic way. Try saying something like, “Hey I get the sense this is hard to talk about and sort of awkward, but I want to help our sex life out. How can we work together to have the sex we want to?”
4. Remember he is normal. Jen sees all kinds of guys. From high-powered lawyers to religious leaders. Premature ejaculation is a common problem that afflicts men of all ages from all walks of life. Jen says it teaches her to have compassion for the penis. “The penis is an anarchist. It doesn’t listen” she says. “Women are controlled by the moon. We have a time-frame for when our fertility goes up and down. We know the moon is taking care of us. Men, not so much.” Keep this in mind if you get frustrated with your man. Having a penis is harder than we may imagine.
5. Don’t be afraid to use a fleshlights. Sure, sometimes fleshlights (male masturbation sleeves) creep us out, but they are great for helping premature ejaculators. Jen has the men she works with use fleshlights to help tackle anxiety about “getting it in.” I’ll leave it up to you whether or not you want to try this one out at home, but you may want to consider purchasing a fleshlight if you want to help your man last longer.
6. Stroke him. I hate to be crass here, but according to Jen, this is the best way to tackle the problem. “You need to make a long session of stroking his penis, then stopping before he gets too excited.” In sessions, Jen has men tell her how close they are to orgasm on a scale of one to ten. “You constantly ask them where they are. So they get to a three, which is where it starts to feel a little heavy. Then stop. Let his number come down. Have him breathe into his belly, a lot of premature ejaculators are chest breathers, they don’t breathe deeply enough. Then you start again. Get him up to a four, then stop,” she explains. Jen says that you can do an hour of getting him up to a four and stopping. In doing so, you aren’t teasing him, you are teaching him just focus on sensation.
Original by Rachel Rabbit White