Vaginas are not meant to be storage units. They are not meant to be purses. They are not meant to be secret hiding places. You are not supposed to put unsterilized foreign objects in them. Most of us understand these rules. But you’d be surprised. Some women cannot be stopped from violating the terms and conditions of their vaginas. If you dare, click through to see the weirdest things women have stashed in their kitties, the poor things.
1. Vodka Bottle Filled With Urine
Riddle me this: What do you do when you are on probation and need to pass a urine test, but aren’t clean? You hide a small vodka bottle with someone else’s urine in your vagina! At least, this was Mischelle Lindy Salzgeber’s solution to her problem. The jig was up when the bottle was discovered during a routine body scan. Oh, and too bad the urine she borrowed to pass as her own tested positive for drugs anyway. [Huffington Post]
2. Heroin … And So Much More
Pennsylvania woman Karin Mackaliunas wins the award for most stuff stored in a vagina EVER. During a routine strip search, authorities discovered 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty heroin bags, eight prescription pills, and $51.22 in cash and change in her vagina. Why bother with a purse when you can carry everything you need between your legs?
3. Prosthetic Eye
Dr. Melissa Barton sees a lot of odd stuff as an ER doctor. But the oddest she ever saw (pun intended) was a woman who had placed a prosthetic eyeball in her vagina for “safe keeping.” Why, you ask? Oh, she was preparing to have a fight with her neighbors and she told Dr. Barton that glass eyes “are pretty expensive and hard to replace.” I believe this earns her the nickname “Eyegina.” [Asia One]
4. Donny Osmond Poster
Of all the inconceivable phallic objects a desperately horny person could shove up in their vagina, a rolled-up Donny Osmond poster is not the first thing that comes to mind. A U.K. woman featured on the BBC3 show called “Bizarre ER” did just that. Doctors discovered a rolled-up poster of Donny Osmond shoved inside her vagina. I have many questions about this. Firstly, did she forget she put it in there? And are we talking life-size poster or one of those Tiger Beat tear sheets? I need more details. Also, ouch. [Mirror]
Are your legs crossed? OK. Here we go. Two Florida women got in a drug-fueled fight over some prescription pills. Once arrested, police found one had a knife and a bottle of prescription pills hidden in her belly fat rolls. Wait … there’s more. A thorough cavity search revealed a second knife … hidden in her vagina. You can scream now. [True Crime Report]
6. Cell Phone
The only thing about stealing a cell phone and hiding it in your vadge is that when it rings, other people are going to hear it. That’s what happened to Ruxandra Gardian, the Romanian woman whose vagina rang. Once authorities discerned where the ringing was coming from, the owner declined to take it back. I think that was a good call. Heh. [The Register]
7. Credit Card
Another Florida woman, another strange object hidden in a vagina. Ann Marie Hernandez made a sizable Home Depot haul with a fraudulent credit card. When she was done with her shopping spree, she loaded the goods into her car and the credit card into her vagina. Vaginas make awful wallets. [Hispanically Speaking News]
8. Crack Pipe
Arlina Romero also had a stolen credit card on her person when cops caught her leaving a flophouse. Instead of hiding the credit card in her vagina like Ann Hernandez, she put it in her pocket. Good move, Arlina! But this story doesn’t end well. There was something else hidden in her vagina. A crack pipe. [NBC]