Being a lady of the darkness is hard enough as it is. You’re constantly gawked at by more colorful humans, and the normals in your office think you’re a misery girl who hates everything and everyone. It takes a whole lot of courage to stand out and be the true gothic princess you are in your heart/blackened soul. But do you know what makes that task even harder? Non-stop sunshine for months on end, that’s what. No goth is having a good time in the summer. That’s just a fact. Warmer weather is not conducive for any goth-related activities and therefore should be banned forever. Here are just 10 of the many, many hells us cemetery-dwelling honeys have to put up with as that dreaded time of year rolls around AGAIN (sigh).
No matter how hard you try, your pasty, vampire-like complexion is going to be ruined with a tan.
OK, this one is admittedly only applicable to people who are naturally fair-skinned. My jealousy of goth girls of color whose skin is unchanged by the summer sun is so real. But for those of us who are pale and want to stay pale as fuck, it’s a struggle. Some of us have to work hard all year round to look this unhealthy, OK?! But avoiding the sun’s evil UV rays is no mean feat, since they are quite literally everywhere. The only solution is to carry a Victorian-style parasol around. Incidentally, this solution is pretty awesome.
The heat from the sun melts your liquid eyeliner/black lipstick so you constantly look like a crying clown.
Putting on your smokey eyes or elaborate Siouxsie Sioux style make-up takes a lot of practice and hard work. In fact, we’ve spent every day since we were 13 honing those vital eyeliner skills. But as soon as that dastardly sunshine beams down on our perfectly pencilled faces it’s game over. With lipstick and liquid eyeliner running down our faces, we look like goth clowns. Plus, clowns are funny and no self-respecting goth gal wants to look funny. Solution? Stay indoors.
No one wants to hang out in darkened dungeons with you.
Not that they ever did before, but now that the weather is nice, we’ve got absolutely zero chance of our friends choosing to hole up in a grimy basement rather than have park beers and a cookout. People are just absolutely obsessed with making the most of the summer. For some bizarre reason beyond our realms of comprehension, most people choose to fry in the heat over staying cool underground like an insect. Solution? Get used to it, we’re better off alone anyway.
All the clothes you love are wildly inappropriate for the heat.
Just take one glance at any of our wardrobes and you’ll see they’re packed with gorgeous materials and exquisite textures. And we can forget about them from now until November. Velvet and leather are the actual worst for hot weather. A sweaty goth is an (even more than usual) unhappy goth. Solution? Switch to lace, which we probably have loads of anyway. It’ll keep us cool and earn us extra goth points.
Just try wearing New Rocks on the beach.
It is beyond impossible and similar to what walking on the moon must feel like. Solution? See point two.
Your beloved fishnet tights are going to leave you with the weirdest tan lines.
Even when we think we’re safe and out of harm’s way (aka away from the invisible nightmare beams the sun is constantly emitting), we are not. That’s the truly vile thing about summer, sometimes we don’t even realize it’s upon us. There’s nothing worse than getting home at the end of the day and de-robing to find that unholy star has left you with crazy tan lines from your fishnets or ripped tights. Solution? Tights that might seem way too thick and hot for this time of year, but they’re uniform so just sweat it out.
You stand out even more because everyone else wearing one thousand colors.
Humans. Pfft. It’s like they see a spot of sunshine and suddenly start wearing the most garish patterns and colors they can possibly find. Why?! It’s offensive to the eye and it just makes goth girls stand out even more. Solution: Steer clear of humans all together. No good can come of being near tropical print-loving lunatics.
All of a sudden everyone wants to do activities that would ruin your perfect hair.
No, we don’t want to go swimming. Do you have any idea how long it took to backcomb these monstrosities on the back of our heads? It takes a long time to craft such an effortless look. We also don’t want to play tennis or other sports. The amount of bobby pins holding our bee’s nests in place may be great, but the delicate eco system that are our barrettes could collapse and crumble at any time. We shall not be jumping around at any cost. Solution: Don’t make friends with people who think outdoor activities are fun. They are wrong and evil.
With the sunshine and the inevitable unwanted tan comes a barrage of tiny little face-wrecking parasites commonly known as freckles. Even SPF 50 suncream cannot curb those little tyrants. Solution: Never, ever leave the house from May through September.
When you do attempt to embrace the season by wearing black short shorts, creepers, and a chiffon floaty kimono and people think you’re just copying modern pop stars.
No, we haven’t heard that latest dance-pop single. Yes, we were dressing like this for years before these people had record deals and yes, we love out gothic silver jewelry. It’s slightly painful to think we’ve spent years skulking in the shadows, ridiculed for being misfits and oddballs because of the way we dress. And now, just because some gorgeous, flawless mega-babe pop stars have started dabbling in fashion’s dark arts, it’s suddenly “cool” to wear black. Solution: Wait for it to blow over. Fashions change with the tides so just ride this one out. Soon we’ll be safe from the prying eyes of the mainstream once again.