For many women, achieving an orgasm during sex with a partner is a complicated quest. What might be easy as pie when you’re alone becomes much, much, much more difficult when put in the eager, hopefully capable hands of another. This is something that understandably is probably a little hard for men to understand — although whiskey dick, or stress, or age may impact a man’s ability to get and stay hard, coming is almost always on the docket during a sexual interaction. I can count on one hand the number of times a guy I’ve been hooking up with — oral sex or P-in-V sex, to be specific — did not come by the time we rolled over and turned on the tube for a post-coital “Law & Order” marathon. Similarly, with the exception of a long-term relationship, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had an orgasm in the presence of a man. Hell, I can count on one finger how many casual sex partners have brought me to orgasm, and lucky me, he’s coming over to tomorrow.
I started thinking about this earlier because, well, I’m always thinking about sex –but I was also editing this week’s Dater X column, in which she discusses how she hasn’t been able to come with a partner, and at the same time, saw a link come across my Twitter timeline about how women achieve orgasm. The latter was for a post over at Mic.com about a Tumblr blog called How To Make Me Come, where women send in first person anonymous essays about their sexual experiences, as well as what does or does not bring them to O-town. There are 71 essays so far, and each very clearly illustrates just how NOT clear the roadmap to female orgasm actually is. In addition to some solid techniques and tricks, a common factor in many of these essays is how much mental and emotional comfort matters. This spoke to me.
See, for the first time in a very very very long time, I have a (casual but intensely intimate!) sex partner who I trust is fully present in those 60 minutes (give or take) when we’re getting down. I completely trust our sexual dynamic, that he wants to please me and he trusts me to please him, and that there is no judgment, no place we would rather be, and that everything outside of that room, including our hangups and stresses and obligations and personal baggage, ceases to exist — that allows me to relax. And when I can relax? I can come.
I spent some time reading through the essays on How To Make Me Come (and you should too!), and put together this list of anecdotal tips that I think come, heh, the closest to being universally helpful when searching for that elusive female orgasm.
1. Give A Shit
“Caring whether or not a woman comes is a great way to make sure a woman comes. You’re way more likely to make something happen if it matters to you (eat lunch, fix the internet, run from forest fire) versus something that doesn’t (floss twice a day, buy more eggs instead of stealing from your roommate, see your friend’s band). … The best way to make sure you care about whether or not a woman comes is to think of women as full people. … The best way to make sure you think of women as full people is to work directly with women in your non-sex life, have some sort of respect for (or at least understanding of) your mother, and have female friends. … All in all, training yourself to get turned on by vagina is a good move if you’re a straight man who tends to have sex with vaginas.”
2. Make Out With Her Pussy
“When you are going down on me, begin by just making out with my pussy. Just lay sweet kisses all over it, then focus on my clit. Be gentle. I repeat, be gentle. Circles with your tongue are great. I hate flicking. I see it in porn all the time and I don’t get it. Let you tongue be wide and slightly firm, I HATE that thing when a tongue gets all hard and pointy at the tip. Don’t make a dunce cap out of your tongue. Just lay your tongue on my clit and find movement that you can stick with for a while. For me, it’s a time game. So prepare to hang out, doing what you’re doing for a while. If I say I’m about to come, don’t suddenly go faster and harder. Keep doing what you’re doing. That’s how we got here.”
“I like having you lick my pussy; not like you’re licking a lollipop, all bland, uniform strokes—Rather, treat my pussy like it’s my mouth. If you were kissing me, you wouldn’t just do the same thing over and over, you’d mix it up. A little tongue here, a little sucking there, a little teasing with your lips. Think of it like you’re making out with my vag.”
3. Be Gentle, Not Rough
“Oral sex is the mecca, it’s the feeling to end all feelings. Irresistible, I want it all the time. Be gentle and luxurious with your tongue, don’t tense. Don’t go too fast. Let your tongue be wide and sensual.
You can touch me too. But remember how sensitive I am down there. Think if someone took their rough fingers and ran them frantically over the tip of your penis – that’s how it feels when your fingers are on top of my clit (not on the sides) – it hurts. Use lube if you need to. Don’t create friction, move me. Circular motions.”
4. Love. It.
“Act like you enjoy it. Wait, no. ACTUALLY ENJOY IT. You’re making me feel good. That should be exciting you. If it’s not, and I can sense that…I’ll get all in my head about it, start wondering how you’re doing, stop focusing on my experience, start worrying that you’re getting tired/bored/sore, completely disengage from my body, desperately try to focus my attention back on myself, slightly beat myself up for NOT BEING IN THE MOMENT, start feeling guilty because I think it’s taking too long, wonder if you’re doing this because you want to or because you think you HAVE to, convince myself that this is definitely taking too long, try again to enjoy myself and then ultimately tell you ‘it’s just not going to happen tonight.’ Exhausting right? Yeah, I know.”
5. Go Ahead And Finger Fuck
“Go ahead and slip one or two fingers inside of me–but be gentle! Finger fuck me in and slightly up, so that you hit my cervix. Steady and easy does it. I’d prefer slow to fast. Once we’re here, we’re in the homestretch. Stay steady my gods and goddesses, and don’t forget to reach up and fondle my breasts, showing them the love they deserve. Once you do, it will likely put me over the edge. Let me explode into your mouth, and then put your mouth on my mouth, and kiss me until I’m either dying to return the favor or ready to open up to be fucked 2.0. If we’re going there, we’re going to have to do some more touching, some more loving, some more patient connecting, but I can come with you inside of me with the same amount of attentive love-making. Do all of this and then repeat. Forever and ever, amen.”
6. Objectify Her
“Tell me what you like about my body. A lot of the time, being a woman can feel like you are constantly combating unsolicited remarks about your body and feeling sexualized/objectified when you’re just trying to go about your day. But that’s because it’s happening from the wrong people at the wrong time. However, if we’re having sex, you are the right person and this is the appropriate time. If I’m walking down the street and someone yells out that they love my ass, of course I am going to feel uncomfortable. But if we’re having a great time fooling around and you tell me you love my ass, it will reinforce your desire for me. Feeling wanted by the person I want is just lovely.”
7. Give The Tits Some Love
“There’s a very fine line between kissing breasts in a super sexy way and making it feel like a man is feeling super oedipal and trying to breast-feed. Kissing the nipple and all around the breast up to the collarbone is a great move without actually suckling the nipple. Moving wet fingers in a circular motion around the nipple is also one of my favorite feelings in the world.”
“I enjoy the whole gamut of positions, but the only ones where I have been able to reach orgasm are the ones where my partner’s pelvis is really pressing into my clit. Missionary position, and the position where we’re both sitting up and I’m straddling my partner, can work well for this. The grinding motion here is of utmost importance, the two groins must be engaged in a rhythmic dance, not simply pounding against each other or just going in-and-out, in-and-out.”
9. Use Your Words
“I really, really like dirty talk. And I think there’s a way to slip in, “do you like this??” and to really mean it. Meaningful, dirty, creative talk. I am so down to talk about your dick and how it’s making me wet if it’s really making me wet. So I promise to tell the truth and make it “sexy” if you promise to be conscientious and make it “sexy.” What’s sexy? Using your voice, both literally and metaphorically. It’s an intimate knowledge of who you are and what you have to offer.”
10. Move. Like. Channing.
“Watch a video of Channing Tatum dancing and then compare that to how a dog looks when he’s humping something—the rolling, fluid motion versus those quick thrusts, butt tucked under, in and out with little contact otherwise. And think again about how just being touched quickly over and over would feel on your dick. When you fuck a woman (from the front; we’ll get to doggy style later) like a humping dog, that’s what you’re doing to her clit. You’re giving her a hand job by gently patting her dick on the head. That’s never gonna make her come. You need to try to move like Channing, rolling to maintain contact with her clit for as long as possible on each stroke. If you cannot learn to do this, try using your upper-body strength in a modified, low-pelvis push-up (similar to beginning to push into up dog in yoga), dragging yourself forward so your body strokes her clit, rather than using your lower back to thrust forward with your butt tucked under.
When a woman is in charge of sex—when she is on top, riding you (during real sex; not in porn)—she grinds against you rather than just bouncing up and down. The main reason behind this is that women need that consistent, controlled clitoral stimulation, and that grind against the clit is what you should be trying to replicate when you are on top.”
[How To Make Me Come]
Original by Amelia McDonell-Parry