Most of the time we love our vaginas. After so many years together, we’ve formed a warm, companionable relationship, where we know that she’s on our team, and while sometimes she can be moody or mysterious, we’ll usually be able to predict what she’s thinking. But on the rare occasion that our vadges act out, we feel spurned. Like, say, when we’re at the gym lifting weights and when we stand up, there is a full sweat imprint of our vagina — labia majora and all — on the workout bench and we discover it just as we see the hot guy standing next to us, taking in our crotch Rorschach, and we think, Vagina, you have betrayed me. You bitch. No sex for you. Below, a few instances when we’ve wanted to disown our vadges for being so disloyal.
1. Getting a yeast infection on a night when we’re supposed to get laid. Really? Really? To paraphrase a line from “Casablanca”: Of all the nights in all the weeks in all the months in all the years, our bacterial balance had to go wacko TONIGHT? Sigh.
2. Leaving weird discharge or film on a lover’s face or penis. Nothing ruins a post-coital cuddle sesh quicker than the appearance of a vaginal glaze.
3. Queefing, especially during sex. So. Awkward.
4. Itching intensely in a public place. We really, really don’t want to be the woman who’s openly itching her crotch on the subway, but sometimes our vaginas seem pretty intent on making us that woman.
5. Staining someone else’s bed with blood. Whether we’re sleeping over at a friend’s house or curled up with our boyfriends, we wish our vadges would refrain from making their white sheets look like a murder scene.
6. When a lip slips out of our underwear during yoga. Clearly visible camel toe in a mirrored room? Mortifying. Unfortunately there’s no subtle way to readjust your labia during downward dog. Trust us, we’ve tried.
7. Getting super turned on at inappropriate times. There is nothing sexy about a performance review at work or our best friend’s baby shower, and yet, for some unknown reason, these are the moments our vaginas are suddenly rarin’ to go.
8. Getting super turned on by inappropriate people. Our brains knows our ex is a self-obsessed asshole who doesn’t deserve another second of our time. But judging by the way he keeps popping up in our fantasies, our vadges didn’t get the memo.
9. Bleeding when we’re wearing our nicest underwear and/or white pants. According to our menstrual tracking app, we still have 3 days before we’re scheduled to start our period. Too bad our vagina cannot resist the chance to ruin a pair of white jeans or a $20 thong.
10. Not cooperating when we go to the gyno. We can’t really blame our vaginas for whimpering and seizing up at the sight of that cold steel speculum, but man, it makes the whole appointment a hell of a lot more painful.
11. Making tampons randomly disappear. A truly mindboggling experience that no one should have to go through.