Thanks to the putrid depths of the internet, sex has hit its kinkiest heights yet. And we’ve found the toys that prove it.
So you thought that hitting up an urban dictionary to check out just what space docking or a rusty trombone was made you edgy. Think again. The internet has brought us new lows in the form of some of the most grotesque, and utterly confusing, sex toys. These are the hilariously real sex toys that you can buy right now.
1. Two Butts for the Price of One
What’s better than slipping your instrument into a silicone butt mold? Why, when that butt mold is on the business end of an extra-large penis sleeve of course! Allowing you to penetrate the business end of your partner, while penetrating a flesh-like rubber replica of a butt at the same time. Sex toys will never be the same.
2. I Mustache You a Question
Mr. Jack is a male masturbator with a twist that any Tom Selleck fan would be proud of. What appears to be a standard flashlight with a Jim Henson make over will have you begging the question: Are they eyebrows? Is it a mustache? Sometimes it’s better not to know with sex toys.
3. Like a Virgin
Been awhile since you’ve been touched for the very first time? Not to worry Adult Products India, purveyor of excellent sex toys, has got you covered with their “Hymen in a Box” package. We’re not really sure exactly how it works, and we’re also not sure we want to know.
4. A Horse of Course
Ready to ramp up that Pony play and go for anatomically correct gold? Then it’s time you set aside all other sex toys and made way for the “Mr. Ed”. The sex toy that is also an anatomy lesson- for horses.
5. A Foot Above the Rest
While there are few fetishes that make us squirm more than a foot fetish, but these sex toys set the “wtf am I even seeing rn” bar ever higher. It is not only a realistic stump of a human foot, but a realistic stump of a human foot that houses equally realistic lady parts. In the stump of the foot.
6. Portable Pleasure
Who has the space and time to lug around an entire love doll? And why would you even want to? Well, with this tiny portable catch all, you’ll never have to ask yourself those hard-hitting questions again. This little doozy sets all other sex toys to shame. In little less than a square foot of real estate, you get a full set of bulging breasts, obviously past pubescent downtown, and even a snug little shenis (ingeniously implanted right where a normal trachea would be). Everything you could ever want, assuming a torso, limbs, and head aren’t really your thing.
7. An Alien Sensation
We’ve seen some things in our time, but these sex toys may have broken us completely. The Ovipositor is a giant, alien shaped dildo that deposits jelly likeany more eggs deep into the vagina, should you ever really wonder what it’s like to carry the children of Predator. We need to phone home, we don’t feel safe on this planet anymore.
Once you’ve had your fill (literally) of the Ovipositor, maybe it’s time to peel yourself from the stars and go deep…ahem…. under the sea. The tentacle shaped pleasure rocket is a must for anyone with a mermaid fetish or just a deep seeded desire for seafood.
9. Meat Cleaver
Despite the uninspiring name, we can assure you that these sex toys are just as terrifying as they sound. Once your lover places the tip of his hang down into the medieval metal works of what can only be described as a cock cage on a bad acid trip, things go from worse to horrifying. Two small metal “separators” are inserted into the urethra (think tiny speculum), and are then ratcheted out to provide all the loving pain your partner desires.
10. One Small Problem
For some of us, nothing says pleasure like the cozy confines of a perfectly shaped rump. But when that rump has a tiny *cough, cough* really tiny representation of manhood, it could be a little distracting. So small in fact, even the statue of David could finally feel well endowed.
11. Baby Jesus What is That
Just like Ricky Bobby, we like to think of our baby Jesus as an “8 pound, 6 ounce newborn infant Jesus” butt plug…? These sex toys are sure to fulfill any of your “holy” spaces. Getting you that much closer to the big guy.
12. Putin Up Your Ritz
Sex toys know no shame and will cross just about any boundary given to them. Obviously, religion is fair game, so why not politics? With the Vladimir Putin butt plug you can now get Russia to meddle in more than just your elections.
13. That’s a Mouth Full
What’s in a name? Well, with these sex toys, it’s the entire product description. The “Electro Ball Crusher Torture Chastity Device Sex Toys for Men Electric Stimulation Penis Testicle CBT Stretcher” will have far more than just your tongue tied in knots, if the name is any indicator of the toy itself.
14. Raccoon Suit
Remember how great it was when you got the Super Leaf in Super Mario Bros. 2 and it gave you the raccoon suit? So do we, but maybe with less enthusiasm than the makers of these raccoon tail butt plug sex toys. Bring your cosplay to the next level by getting a tail of your very own. Super leaf not included.
15. The Foot Long
Sure, we’ve all seen the Fleshlight, or similar versions of sex toys discreetly disguised as household objects. However, is there any better place to hide them than a beer can or flashlight? How about a foot-long hotdog or Cup O’ Your Noodle? That’s right, somebody got creative, and you can now stash your favorite wank stations right next to your Ramen Noodles and Hamburger Helper. Because nothing says class like jerking it in a styrofoam cup.