I got my first text from this guy I’ve liked forever. Finally, after years of subtly dangling the carrot that is moi, he started running for the bait. But what was I supposed to text back? I decided to call in reinforcements. I phoned my friend in a healthy, awesome, long-term relationship and I asked her how I should respond to his mobile message. To my surprise, she was like, “No way, do not text him back. You totally have the upper hand. And if he wants to actually talk to you, he’ll step up his game.” In the interest of trying something totally new, I listened to her and didn’t hit him back … even though I was just home, chillin’ with my friend, Bottle O’ White Wine. Anyway, the dude blew up my phone, my email, and my dang Facebook page. It was a rainstorm of communication over the next couple of days. So, to all the single ladies, I learned something from my experience. There are a whole lot of reasons not to be so quick to respond all the time.

1. It’s called a booty call, not a booty text.
2. It’s after midnight. He’s a werewolf.
3. It’s something that could get lost in translation.
4. You’re currently doing better things with your hands .. perhaps a man who knew how to pick up the phone?
5. You’re over your data plan minutes.
6. You can’t think of anything remotely cool to say.
7. He owes you an apology.
8. This text just picked a fight.
9. Last time you saw him he touched his phone more than you.
10. “LOL” isn’t really worth typing.
11. Because that’s what the restraining order says.
12. You’re more into him than he is into you.
13. What he texted you about deserves recompense, a gesture, at least flowers!
14. You’re a busy, busy gal.
15. You already bought yourself a cocktail.
16. He complimented you.
17. A response seems redundant.
18. The, ahem, the proper response seems like a way for him to get a photo of something worth exposing on the interwebs if you ever break up.

Original by Simcha