17 Signs You Ain’t Nothin’ But A Hoochie Mama

A couple weeks ago, I told you about the scientifically developed hand test to see if your ancestors were sluts. But what about you? Remember Jeff Foxworthy’s charming “You Might Be A Redneck” series? Well, I’m not a redneck. I’m a hussy. So, while I don’t know much about fixin’ up a truck or mullets (the non-ironic kind), I can help you, my Frisky peeps, figure out if your vag entertains more visitors than a theme park. Girl, you might be a hoochie mama if …

Source: soundcloud.com

1. You’ve slept with all the men whose numbers are in your phone—except “Dad.”
2. You can’t sit down in any of your skirts without making butt-to-seat contact.
3. After the typical weekend of partying, your vag looks like a rare roast beef sandwich.
4. You turn around when you hear someone you pass by call out “ho” thinking they know you.
5. The CDC would like to get a hold of your loveseat.
6. You have to use WD-40 to get your legs to close.
7. You’d describe your personal style as “walk of shame.”
8. A Chilean Miner was found buried in your hoo-ha.
9. If you could only take one thing to a desert island, it’d be lube.
10. If your bed could talk, it would ask for a plastic cover.
11. If your vag could talk, well, it still couldn’t because it has a peen blocking it.
12. Your fave pair of jeans came with a built-in whale tail
13. Your ideal vacation is visiting the “Jersey Shore” hot tub.
14. You’ve had hundreds of pearl necklaces and none of them were from a jewelry store.
15. All your pants have holes in the crotch. Not from wear—you cut them for easy access.
16. More people would recognize you from the back view.
17. You got carpal tunnel from giving hand jobs.

Original by Simcha