We here at The Frisky Labs have spent years, and we do mean years, studying the male anatomy. From in-depth investigations regarding the male posterior to fully-funded studies devoted to manscaping, there is no stone we’ve left unturned in the realm of dudehood. Now, after countless hours spent in the laboratory, we are able to bring you breaking news that indisputably proves there is a direct relationship between a man’s penis-size and his personality. To put it simply: They are one and the same…
1. The Dong Kong
His Penis: King Kong ain’t got nothin’ on this dude’s dong.
His Phallic Familiar: Jonah Falcon, 13.5 inches.
His Personality: Ever since he figured out his penis was bigger than every other guy’s in the locker room, and the county, and the state, he’s had something of a My John Thomas Is Bigger Than Yours god-complex. It didn’t help when the ladies figured out what he was working with and started throwing themselves at him in droves. All this turned him into the biggest tool in town. As a consequence, he has a hard time keeping a job, and he’d rather lay around watching TV and absentmindedly adjusting his wang than take a girl out on a date. If you want him, you have to take him on his terms: lying down.
2. Chief Little Man
His Penis: It is small.
His Phallic Familiar: He Pingping
His Personality: When he figured out he was on the, er, smaller side, he got a little worried. Would anyone ever love him—and his diminutive friend? He decided he would be successful in life—professionally and personally—and he wasn’t going to let his wiener size dictate his manhood. He set about achieving his goals and in his spare time researched the best small penis sex positions. Now, he’s a self-made millionaire and a Don Juan of the 21st century. You name it, he can do it. Bring you home? (If you know what we mean.) No problem.
3. Average Johnson
His Penis: 4.85 inches.
His Phallic Familiar: Himself
His Personality: Would you notice him in the supermarket aisle? Maybe, maybe not. After all, he’s just your Average Joe. He wears khakis and drinks uncomplicated beer. He has an average job, and he lives an average life. So, is he average in the sack? Sometimes, the average guy’s sexual performance is as average as his skin flute. In other instances, he makes up for in erotic talents what he lacks in exceptional penis-tude. What we’ve concluded: The average-sized penis-haver is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.
4. Señor Freaky
His Penis: It’s a mystery.
His Phallic Familiar: Zippy the Pinhead
His Personality: This guy is a freak. He’s got a weird career, and odd hobbies, and says stuff that makes no sense. Wouldn’t you know it, his trouser snake is strange, too. It curves to the left, or it curves to the right. It points straight down, even when you’d think it’d be pointing straight up, or it acts as if it has a mind of its own, and after a while you begin to suspect it does. If you can give yourself up and go along for the ride, it will be a wild one. We recommend.
5. Big Brother
His Penis: “Width or length?”
His Phallic Familiar: Danny DeVito
His Personality: Pushy and aggressive, this guy is the self-proclaimed boss of the universe. His girth is more impressive than his length, and he’s looking to make up for what he lacks with his overly everything personality. More often than not, he’ll tell you this upfront. That’s how he is. God forbid you come to your own conclusions. Although, unless you have a vagina wider than it is long, he may be on to the next one.
Original by The Frisky