Hindsight is 20/20, which is why we can look back on some of the bad sex we had and identify the signs that it was going to be bad before it even happened. Unfortunately, we keep learning new ones, but for now, here are eight signs he’s going to suck in the sack. Help out your fellow womankind by sharing any signs you’ve come across in the comments.
1. He’s A Crap Kisser
I defy anyone to tell me they’ve had magnificent sex with someone who they couldn’t stand to kiss. Seriously, if he’s a “bad” kisser in your book (too much tongue, not enough tongue, excessively bitey) or just not in sync with how you like your tonsils to be hockey-ed, the sex is going to fall flat too.
2. He’s Super Wasted
Have you ever met Mr. Whiskey Dick? He’s less fun than his cousin, Mr. Just Can’t Come, because at least JCC stays hard and gives you something to play with. WD just lies there like a wet noodle.
3. He Has No Rhythm
Now, in my experience, most dudes are pretty bad dancers and for that I blame their dads, who likely didn’t want their mini-mes enrolled in ballet as kids. However, I do not think a bad dancer makes for a bad lover; otherwise I would have had a lot worse sex than I’ve had. No, bad dancers specifically lacking in rhythm are the ones who can’t keep the pace in the sack. If he can’t seem to match you on the dance floor, he will be unable to do doggy-style, trust.
4. He Isn’t Carrying Condoms
For starters, if he’s not packing condoms and you’re not either, you won’t ever find out if he’s bad in bed because you won’t be having it, right? (Safe Sex PSA concluded.) There are obviously exceptions, but if he doesn’t have a condom on him, that probably means he’s not getting laid too often, which means he’s out of practice, which means he’ll probably be off his game when boning you.
5. He Always Interrupts You
A guy who interrupts, doesn’t let you finish a complete sentence, or doesn’t seem to be listening at all to what you are saying will suck in bed without question. Why? Because he clearly doesn’t give a crap about whether you’re having a good time and what your interests and desires are, all of which will translate into the sack.
6. He Talks About His Mom A Lot
There’s a fine line between a man who loves and respects his mom and one who reveres her so much he doesn’t shut the f**k up about her and has a framed photo of her on his bedside table. If you see one of those and you know more about Mrs. Smith than you do about her son, don’t bother taking off your coat, let alone your panties.
7. He Says He Never Masturbates
It is irrelevant if he is lying or telling the truth. Both indicate a bizarre sexual issue that will take a toll on your pleasure. Also, it’s kind of weird he’s even telling you, right?
8. He Smells
Be it his breath or his body odor, a funky-smelling, fully clothed man is an even funkier smelling unclothed man. I don’t know about you, but halitosis and cheesy peen don’t make me wet and not being wet makes sex sucky. So, yeah.
Original by Amelia McDonell-Parry