The other day, some guys and I were chillaxing in my pal Josh’s sweet hot tub doing what guys do which is hang out and be real and we were discussing “innocent” girls versus “wang-hungry she-beasts.” Across the board, the guys agreed they prefer an “innocent” woman, like a nun or a coma patient or a 16-year-old girl, over a “bitch.” And then Josh was all “dude you got a boner” and everybody high-fived and a couple hours later we all put our clothes back on.
I like an innocent girl who barely speaks English with a bad streak that comes out once in a while, like when she lets me put it in her anal hole.
It’s important to own whatever mojo you have, because we do pay attention to that overall aura you’re giving off. And by “aura” I mean “kooter stench” and by mojo I mean “Austin Powers was the funniest movie ever yeah baby! Yeah! LOL!” So, like, if you’re a woman who has lots of orgasms, it’s important to feel confident, especially about stuff we bros deeply resent. Own your mojo, like I said, but also, don’t own your own mojo. Is that clear? And sometimes we go for the opposite of what we went for in the past, like that time I dated that alcoholic instead of the bulimic—but in a segue that makes as much as sense as the preceding sentence, we definitely use the word “bucket” as a verb when referring to the infantile and simplistic way we categorize women into “innocent” or “wanton harlot.”
It’s tough, though, thinking all of these thoughts because while we like women who don’t challenge us, like a deaf/mute Amish girl with a hunchback, we don’t like to be bored, which is a threat. On the other hand, a crazy bad girl is too much. On the other hand, a bad crazy girl is no good. On the other hand, a bad bad girl is whack. Not “bad” as in “badass” or “superbad,” but “bad” as in “cancer.” I like an innocent girl who barely speaks English with a bad streak that comes out once in a while, like when she lets me put it in her anal hole.
My buddies and I and Josh who reads Men’s Health (and is SOOO RIPPED) theorized that women all go through a bad guy phase, which is pretty dope if you’re a bad guy because you can totally treat a woman like diapers and they’ll thank you for it. It was an interesting epiphany, which I get all the time, especially when I bro out with my main dude Josh, who is like Batman. My interesting epiphany is that spoiled little man-babies prefer lobotomized genital receptacles who smell like Dove soap, instead of the women of today who, by law, can do whatever they want, within reason.
That epiphany of mine may be way off, like most of the theories my buddies and I make about women (we have a theory that “queefs” are an STD). But seriously, on the other hand, I just might be way, way off this week about why I am terrified of women, which is where my impotent rage comes from. I don’t really think I’m way off. I wrote that so that if I’m sweating on you at a bar and I’m telling you that I’m 29 when, in fact, I’m 34 and I write for Marie Claire and you Google me on your iPhone and read this column, I can be all, “Hey, lady, I said I might maybe could be wrong. Now let me squeeze one off on your tatas.” In blog writing this is called “insurance.”
Here are some reasons guys like innocent girls:
Corrupting Innocence Is Fun
The reason I think the buttoned-up business look is so hot on women is that I like taking things apart, and also it reminds me of my mom. The “innocent” style is put together, and like I wrote, I like to take things apart, like clothes or self-esteem. Making someone bad is fulfilling and fun and it feels more like a mutual journey except she’s on roofies and I’ve been drinking lime and club soda all night. Guys want to be the leader of that journey instead of the follower, which is odd, because my bros and I also like to follow women but only when they can’t see you doing it. I guess it’s like white fresh snow versus the snow that’s turning black on the side of the road under the haze of car exhaust. That is a metaphor for the women I like, because what I like is the only thing that matters in the known universe. On the other hand, are you understanding my word stuff? I like women who are white snow because it’s more fun to pee on that snow than ugly sludge. When I pee on white snow, my pee is all pretty and yellow like sunbeams! Get it now? The fresh snow is more of a palette for adventure.
We Don’t Take “Bad Girls” Seriously
Sure a bad girl can be fun and enticing, but she’s not the type we’d bring home to mom in most cases. Mommy wants her golden prince to only be with a princess who isn’t, in her words, “a diseased hooker.” I love my mommy and sometimes I visit and she does my laundry and makes me spaghetti and meat sauce and later we’ll watch “Antiques Roadshow” while I shave her legs.
Guys also assume that a bad girl is not looking for anything too serious, which is, like, exactly what Josh is into, and women aren’t dudes, because I’m not into dudes and I hate homos. Bad girls just want to do whatever makes them happy and how can you make me happy when you’re too busy being happy yourself? Right?
“Bad Girls” Are Intimidating
This is my biggest issue. I don’t do well with intimidating women, specifically, intimidating women who make more money than I do, have random opinions about stuff I know zilch about like politics or literature or emotions, or women who know where the clitoris at. I love confidence, but that confidence has to be a quiet confidence—not in your face confidence, a deafeningly silent confidence that I might interpret as brittle insecurity. Most guys don’t want to admit it, but they don’t necessarily want to be in bed with a girl who knows more than they do, because then the woman might figure out that the guy doesn’t know as much about sex because he hasn’t had much sex because most women find him unattractive and creepy and that guy also probably ejaculates spontaneously. (Catholic school girls probably know more than I do, because that’s a popular stereotype in the porn I masturbate to while crying. I’m always on the defensive in bed because sex is a war that I must win.) In the final analysis, guys don’t like intimidating women because why date a Thor when you can go see the movie? (Which is coming out in May! Josh and I are going.)
“Bad Girls” Seem Promiscuous
I’m not sure anyone likes promiscuity. I am sure no one likes being cheated on. I equate these two things because words are confusing. But women who have sexual desires and act on those desires will cheat on you, like this woman I dated once who cheated on me because she was promiscuous. Either way and on the other hand, a woman who seems promiscuous will get hit on because a guy who isn’t me wants to take her home, but it usually doesn’t amount to anything in the end unless you’re Josh, then you get mad laid because you’re a sick playa. In conclusion, this is why I like innocent girls, especially virgins, because virgins are unicorns, don’t know anything about sex and you can bang them for 30 juicy seconds and afterwards, while she is heating up top ramen next to the dorm bed, you can be all, “That’s how George Clooney does it.”
“Bad Girls” Style Are Less Mysterious
I’ve always thought a nerdy girl who covers up her figure underneath is sexy, because maybe she’s broken enough to date me. Like, a chick wearing a Wonder Woman-themed burka would be hot. Leaving a glimpse or a tease of hotness, like a pair of eyes or ankles, is more effective. Then I can do the work to reveal the rest, because it’s work to shimmy the dress off a sleeping hottie you know? I guess I like glasses and then tight leather which is a sudden stupid thought I just had and am currently typing directly into the blog software right before hitting publish! Glasses on a chick is hot, because they can’t see. And leather usually shows an ass I will never touch with my dead, cold, clammy hands. I wouldn’t complain about a woman showing too much skin. I wouldn’t complain because women just don’t listen. But I don’t find strippers compelling, and that’s because I can’t afford to go to strip clubs because, really, who can? I’ll tell you who: intimidating women.
Guys Have Control Issues
We hate to admit it, we usually like to be in control, like a serial killer with zero ambition. We love to control women, and in the future, robots with vaginas will be the soulless vehicles that my progeny will spill their seed into. Men love to be in control, except when it comes to controlling their bladder, their insecurities, or ever taking any responsibility for their lives. A bad girl is tough to control, unless she’s shackled to a wall in the basement. We never know what she’s going to do next, and that makes us scared. When a real man gets scared, he punches a wall. Then he calls mommy. Then he sits down and writes a smug and gutless blog post about gender identity, oblivious to the truth. That he cannot face his fears like a man.
What are your thoughts on my essay above? If you are my perfect woman you should direct message me on Twitter and we could go out but you’d better be innocent so no street walkers need apply unless there are discounts—JK! Do you go through “bad boy” phases in dating? Because hands off Josh, he’s too good for any of you not innocent girls.
Original by John DeVore