Wait, men fake orgasms?! According to Elizabeth Black of AlterNet, they do for more than one reason, but they all stem from one place: machismo. Men supposedly want to convey that they’re in a constant state of being ready to ravish you and worry that they’ll seem unmanly if they try to get out of making whoopie with something like the old headache routine. Depending on which set of experts you talk to, the percentage of real men who have lied to their partners about hitting the big O ranges from 11 percent to 25 percent. Really?! But how do men pretend to make the money shot? It’s actually not that hard. Look, we don’t know what winds up in that condom and even if you’re not using protection, it’s not like you’re gushing spunk afterward. Apparently, guys are even trickier than we thought! Before we lady folk get all huffy and insulted, let’s hear what the gentlemen have to say about why they fake it.
- About To Lose It: A boner is a delicate thing. Even more fragile than his manhood is his ego. So, if he feels like he’s about to unfortunately go down, he pretends he’s going down in a blaze of glory.
- Running On Empty: He, uh, took care of business by himself earlier. And now that he’s having sex with something other than his hand—well, trying to—he just doesn’t have it in him to work overtime.
- Not Into It: Sound familiar, ladies?
- Sleeping Booty: He’s exhausted. He needs to rest more than just his weary head.
- Player On A Stage: Performance anxiety can get the best of a man who might not be that experienced, is extra neurotic, or even someone who has been out of the game for a while. The pressure to impress you might just make him implode instead of explode. He could simply want to just get it over with. We have a sneaking suspicion that with a guy like this, some TLC and practice will make perfect.
- Bored Stiff: Well, the opposite, actually. The doin’ it is dull. As we all know, going through the motions does not put the sex in sexy. Don’t forget, your biggest erogenous zone isn’t in your pants, it’s your brain. Like a delicious taco, you’ve gotta spice it up! Put on a show when you strip down, talk dirty, try a new place that isn’t a bed … girl, I know you can get creative!
So, what’s the solution to all these problems? Clearly, for us lovers of men, it’s patience and understanding. I know what you’re thinking: “Feelings?! Oh, barf! Just bring on the sexy times.” But, if we want those sexy times, we have to be real. I know that I, for one, have taken a guy’s sex brush-off as a personal insult. Like how could he not jump at the chance to stick it to me? But now, I’m going through my old boyfriend files and comparing them to these notes and feeling like maybe I overreacted. Men are not sex machines, even if that’s their image. And if that’s all you want from a stud, you’re better off getting a battery-operated boyfriend.
Original by Simcha Whitehill