When I first became interested in sex, or sex with people other than myself I should say, I was immediately turned on by the world of BDSM, albeit, at an early age. There was something illicit and natural about the kinkiness that it didn’t take much for me to warm up to it. Back then, I didn’t really have the confidence to approach my partner about wanting different things in bed. I could barely muster up the courage to ask to be on top, mostly I paid so much attention to worrying about my own moans and facial expressions that it was hard enough for me to relax. Bringing up the fact that my bucket list of things to do before I die included being tied up was completely unlikely for 19-year-old me. In hindsight, I don’t think that I had the ability to trust another person enough to really enjoy S&M nor did I have the right tools and tips to have a safe, mind-blowingly good time.
When I was finally able to begin indulging in my light S&M fantasies, it became clear that the reason I was unable to play was because it wasn’t with a person I truly trusted. Don’t get me wrong, I may have trusted them with my life and our monogamy, but I didn’t trust that my partner wouldn’t judge me for having an urge to be tied up and spanked. Even though BDSM is slowly starting to be less taboo, stereotypes and assumptions are still made. Women speaking openly about their sexuality and preferences may make for great TV or bad movies, but odds are someone in your friend circle still sits on a comfy cloud of judgment with no intention of getting off — and I mean that in the literal and figurative sense. I’m constantly surprised when a good friend makes a statement like “If he wants to marry you, he won’t come on your stomach.” Yes, we still definitely have strides to make to openly discuss our fantasies without ridicule.
Fortunately, there is one powerful dominatrix that can make bringing up the kink with your partner, friend, or stranger, go a little smoother. Dandi Dewey, author of Dandyland Diaries, has written ywo books on the trials and tribulations of becoming a dominant. With an informative and hilarious blog as well, who better to give us BDSM tips for beginners than an expert?
Dewey acknowledges that having sexual desires and turn-ons different from others can be confusing, and recommends doing research on your desired role before jumping in the sack … or bed restraints. That’s right folks, it’s not all fun and games, especially if you are taking a dominant role: with every thrilling opportunity comes a thrilling responsibility that should be taken seriously. These 5 S&M Tips for Beginners from Dandi will get you off to a great start, but make sure you do your own digging.
Tip Number 1: Communicate, Communicate, and Then Communicate Some More
“You and your partner need to understand each other’s needs, desires and turn-on’s. Sometimes it takes several conversations before a submissive feels safe enough to confide in you as to what they really would like from you,” says Dewey. I couldn’t agree more. Communicating isn’t only important in a physical sense, just confiding in your partner can take a lot of courage and trust.
Tip Number 2: Trust Is A Must
Speaking of trust, according to Dandi, “‘[Trust]’ does not come out of the blue. We are all allotted a bit of trust when we meet someone new. This is not enough to sustain a true D/s relationship. This takes time and energy and careful consideration. Start slow and build. Showing up in a corset and yielding a whip is not going to produce much more than a hard-on in your submissive. Then what?”
Tip Number 3: Have A Plan
This is not the time to be a frazzled, unorganized mess, if you are the dominant, your partner is most likely relying on you to have a plan, so get one! “There is a real art to constructing a good ‘scene,’” says Dewey. “There should be a beginning, a middle and an end just like any good story. If you get to the middle and fizzle out, the lasting feeling from that experience will be an unsatisfying one and probably be met with resistance when you want to try again. So be prepared. Have your playthings handy and be organized. You are the one calling the shots. Be in control. When done with a scene, the submissive may need some time to reconnect with his surroundings again [and it’s up to the dominant to provide reassurance and love] Don’t just get up and say ‘How’s that!?’”
Tip Number 4: Take Baby Steps
It may seem obvious that if you are with someone who truly knows you, that the conversation should be a breeze. However, if you are like me, a generally dominant personality that chooses a submissive role in bed or vice versa, this could come as a shocker. Dandy recommends baby steps. Perhaps, whispering “Do you have anything to tie me up with” may work more in your favor then surprising him with the topic at dinner. Dandy suggests for dominants to also approach their partner in a heightened sexual state: “Tell him ‘I want to try something a little different.; Now, [this isn’t a cue] to whip out a huge dildo and a strap-on harness. Maybe hold his hands down above his head as you make love to him from on top. OR … control when he is allowed to have an orgasm. Again… baby steps.”
Tip Number 5: Controlling Stereotypes
All submissives don’t have daddy or mommy issues, and all Dominants aren’t also sociopaths. Dandy gives her take on the stereotype of the male submissive, saying, “Men that are submissive are not less than: Being a beta male to a woman, does not make him weak. Respect him for his appreciation of you and how he trusts that you know what is best. This also does not mean, he is a Beta male in all walks of his life. He can still be Alpha in his day to day life but may just love having a strong woman he can come home to and kneel by her feet.” That’s right, if you’re looking to delve into BDSM, check those assumptions at the door, because they will only get in the way of living out your fantasies.
See? It’s not all about whips and chains.
Original by: Kristin Collins Jackson
