This morning’s alarm clock rudely awoke me from a dream … but not just any dream. A sex dream. And not just any sex dream: it was a sex dream about Anthony Bourdain. You know, the food writer and host of “No Reservations”?
It is news to me that I am sexually attracted to Anthony Bourdain, who I always thought was kind of pompous and obnoxious. (I also had bad service at one of his restaurants on my 25th birthday, so there’s that.) But what was even more bizarre was that whatever we were doing to each other involved makeup brushes.
I woke up confused and just a tad disturbed. So it is time to show these sex dreams who’s boss! Listen up, subconscious: here are seven rules all sex dreams should have to follow.
1. No family members. Traumatizing! Not even acceptable for the minor outlaying relatives who it might actually be legal for you to diddle if you lived in Alabama.
2. No ex-boyfriends. Time to dial 1-800-THERAPY.
3. No bosses. Power dynamics are a lot of fun in bed. But not with your boss. (Which is not to say you aren’t hella sexy, Amelia.)
4. All celebrities should be hotties you’re actually attracted to in real life. I’m sorry, Anthony Bourdain. But were Clive Owen and Michael Fassbender too busy for my sex dream? I need to speak to the casting department.
5. No pregnancies. Way to ruin the moment, subconscious! Dreaming about being pregnant freaks you out if you don’t want a baby right now and its a mindfuck if you actually do. No, thank you.
6. No STIs/diseases/broken condoms. B.U.Z.Z.K.I.L.L.
7. Every sex dream should end with a sleep orgasm. Masturbating in real life is tiring. Would getting the big O whenever I have a sex dream be too much to ask?
Any other rules all sex dreams should adhere to that you think I should add? Let me know in the comments!