I know what you’re thinking. Amelia, I’m pretty sure that all I need to watch porn are my eyes and a finger to press play. Sure, if you’re an amateur. There’s a wrong way to do things, a right way to do things, and then a better way to do things. This is the better way to watch porn.
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Step 1: Put on the right outfit.
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Don’t get it twisted. I am not suggesting you change into something sexy. That would be weird. But I am advising that you wear something that isn’t cumbersome and won’t get in your way. I mean, pajama pants are super comfy, but they make it hard to access your business. And down around your ankles? Limits mobility! My personal preference is a short jersey nightgown or just a simple tank and undies. It should go without saying, but a footed onesie would not be ideal.
Step 2: Select your tool.
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Are you going of maximum efficiency? Sounds like a job for the Hitachi Magic Wand. Perhaps you’re going back to basics and just want to employ your hand (I know, so retro!). I have eight vibrators (What? I get them sent to me for free) so this is not always an easy decision and I don’t like to neglect any of them. Lately I have been spending the most quality time with my Jimmy Jane gold vibe.
Step 3: Make sure your audio/visual situation is on point.
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I have a hangup where I’m convinced my neighbor and anyone walking down the hall will be able to hear the porn sounds emanating from my wee laptop speakers, even at the lowest volume, so I always watch porn with my headphones plugged in. And while I have an external monitor that I could plug my laptop into so I could view James Deen’s big wang at maximum size, I happen to believe that porn is best enjoyed small. Like, 600 pixels by 450 pixels max. (I’ve gone 33 years without seeing an anus in high definition. No reason to start now.) But this is my personal preference; whatever yours is, make sure all cords are secure and plugged in tight so you don’t have to do any fiddling once you’ve started diddling.
Step 4: Eliminate distractions.
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I kick my dog Lucca onto the couch, as watching porn in front of her seems to cross certain animal/owner boundaries. (Also, I see judgment in her eyes.) If it’s a Saturday night and there’s a lot of foot traffic and loud chatter outside my apartment (because, you know, some people do other things on Saturday nights besides watch porn), I’ll shut the window and turn on the air conditioner, which provides soothing white background noise that doesn’t even try to compete with James’ sex growls.
Step 5: Let the video load completely.
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The biggest distraction of all when you’re watching porn? The obnoxious spinning wheel of buffering death. Let the video load completely before you start watching, or else it’ll seem like James has a really bad stutter. I don’t know what the female equivalent of blue balls is, but you will never have a worse case than when a porn freezes up to buffer during a pivotal sex scene. I might be missing the N key on my laptop after a particularly frustrating episode involving a Sasha Grey scene and a slow internet connection.
Step 6: Decide when you want to come.
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If you remember anything I’ve ever advised on The Frisky over the last five years, let it be this: know at what point in the video you want to blow your lady load. There is seriously no bigger bummer than putting all this effort into properly watching porn only to come during some mundane moment, like the damn blow job that always happens mid-fuck when the dude starts to go a little soft. I mean, orgasming always feels good, but it feels better when it happens during whatever you consider the horniest part of the video. So, before you really get down to business, give the porn you’re watching a quick skim and become familiar with which scenes you want to skip (i.e. the mid-fuck chub hummer) and when you want to time your Big O. Seriously, you’ll thank me later.
Step 7: Bookmark it.
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The volume of porn on the internet is seemingly limitless. There is always something new to watch. But the problem is a lot of it is crap, so when you find a video you like, bookmark that shit so you can watch it again some other time. Because my brother dog sits for me sometimes and uses my computer, I hide my bookmarked porn with boring names like “Bank of America” (James Deen’s tag page on PornHub) or “Pillows on Etsy” (a Manuel Ferrera/Kayden Kross scene that is beyond hot) that I know he would never click on. I started bookmarking my favorite porn after I forgot the name of the best porn scene I think I have ever watched and have not been able to find since. Devastating. Live and learn, I guess.
Original by Amelia McDonell-Parry
