I was 19 years old and had my legs spread on my new boyfriend Greg’s bed. We had been dating for a few weeks and had fooled around a bit, mostly talking dirty and dry humping while clothed. It was my last night in town before leaving for a three-month study abroad program and it was pretty much a given that Greg and I would do it. He invited me over to his Park Slope apartment, we listened to music, ate pizza, and he went down on me on his balcony. It was all pretty steamy until Greg took off his boxers to reveal his wood. At the time, I hadn’t seen too many penises, but now, after many years on the sex scene, I am aware that it was of the unprecedented, porn star variety. When I saw Greg’s humongo dong coming toward my petite, fairly inexperienced vagina – it had to have been at least 15 inches long, not exaggerating, and it was also extremely thick – I instinctually knew that it was way too big for me. I didn’t want to hurt Greg’s feelings since I cared about him, but there was no way that his freight train was getting into my tiny tunnel. So what did I do? I started to sob.

“What’s wrong?” Greg asked, concerned.

“I just can’t,” whimpering my only explanation. That was the last time Greg and I were naked together.

Too bad I blew that one, but I learned an important life lesson: Big d**k is not for me. In fact, I hate big d**k. For all those men out there who think size matters and that big d**k is king, I want you to know, bigger is not always better, as far as I am concerned. I know that you can’t control your penis size and if you have a big one, good for you, but I don’t want it anywhere near any of my orifices.

Every time I see a guy naked for the first time, I have a moment of panic. I hold my breath praying that it won’t be a “Greg” situation. When you like someone, you like him “as is,” big or little peen and all, and you have to accept whatever is south of the border. But I do have preferences.

Please don’t super-size me, just give me a medium — or even a small! As long as I can feel it in there, we’re all good. In my book, a reasonably sized penis means more blow jobs, possible anal, a variety of positions, less pain, and more orgasms!

All I can focus on when banging a man with a huge ween is how angry my cervix must be with me. I can’t stand the feeling of a bulky, intrusive object squishing my uterus and abdominal cavity into oblivion. I hate feeling sore in places that even my gynecologist doesn’t venture to with the speculum. For me, every sex act with a big dong is always the same — uncomfortable. During sex I usually end up closing my eyes and hoping they come quickly because I certainly won’t. Anal? Not even going there. And can we talk about big boy BJs? I can barely breathe and my jaw hurts afterward. It’s like drowning in a sea of dong.

I certainly don’t want to hurt the feelings of the well-endowed menfolk of the world. It’s just that some vaginas, like mine, are too small for all of your man glory. There are certainly women out there who have bigger vaginas or even smaller vaginas that enjoy the feeling of your giganto peen impaling their cervix. A small penis for them is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. But for me, small d**k is pure heaven.