The shadowy Unicode Consortium has revealed the list of 72 emoji scheduled for release on June 21, which is exciting news for those of us who prefer to communicate nuanced and complicated emotions via pictures instead of words. This news comes on the heels of last week’s Bible Emoji translator, which will translate the words of the good book into “textspeak” and emoji because Deuteronomy is boring as fuck unless it’s peppered with tiny pictures of people and apples and whatever. While our guide for creative emoji use for very specific occasions is still relevant, the introduction of these 72 emoji creates an opportunity for you to level up your sext game.
It’s still fine to send nudes with a few carefully-deployed ? and a ? for good measure. But these new emoji open up an entire world of sexting options, allowing you and your dirty little mind to take your sext game to the next level. What if you’re really into this one fantasy of being a French schoolgirl with a croissant habit that gets felt up by the espresso machine by a dastardly older gent wearing a beret? What if Mrs. Claus figures prominently in your spank bank? What if you get off on being gently slapped about the face with a couple of raw Gulf shrimp? Whatever you’re into, you’re covered.
When faced with a glut of options, it’s often hard to make the right decision! Let our definitive guide to these new entries enhance your telephonic bone-sessions.
Rolling On The Floor Laughing is useful for when the cry-laughing face emoji isn’t enough, but I guess you could also use it to indicate an orgasm so severe that it caused you to roll on the floor, laughing and/or crying.
Cowboy Hat and Clown Face speak to a sexual fantasy life far richer than your pedestrian sex life is right now. Use the cowboy for your standard Western fantasy and the clown to refer to your vagina.
Lying Face is less of a face that’s telling a lie and more of a face that has a dildo attached to the center of it where a nose should be. I trust that you’re smart enough to figure that one out for yourself 😉
Drooling Face bears a passing resemblance to what it sometimes looks like after a particularly, uh, enthusiastic blowjob.
Nauseated Face is useful for you vomit fetishists out there! Also comes in handy when you’re geniunely, actually, really too sick to fuck.
Sneezing Face says either “I’m sick, please go away” or “That facial you thought I might want actually got up my nose so you owe me a taco.”
Use the Prince when you’re actually talking about Prince (I guess) or when you need to indicate clearly to your partner that yes, you need them to learn a British accent to better fulfill your 69’ing-with-Prince-Harry-on-a-yacht fantasy that you’ve been trying to throw together for weeks.
Mother Christmas is a nicer way of saying that you’re into having sex with your head positioned on the tree skirt, looking up at the lights and the pine needles without, you know, saying that out loud.
The Man in Tuxedo is the sex butler that one employs to refill the lube and get you more towels after a particularly invigorating session.
Our new friends Shrug and Face Palm will come in handy as shorthand for “Nah, I’m good.” I’d also love to see Face Palm employed as retaliation for horrific and unsolicited dick pics.
Instead of asking for Plan B money, send your intended the Pregnant emoji, which communicates the exact same thing without actually having to say it out loud.
Look beyond the literal and see the Dancing Man for what he really is: a dude that’s really, really jazzed about fingering!
Finally, a Selfie emoji that can serve as the start of a sext-session.
All of these hand options are fairly self-explanatory and require nothing more than a little imagination. Fingers Crossed could represent what it actually means or it could stand in nicely for a weirdly-shaped dong. The Call Me hand is less like a hand making a telephone and more like a shaka, but it also looks like some sort of newfangled configuration of the fratty classic, “two in the pink, one in the stink.” I’ll let you, a grown adult, figure out what both fists are for(it’s handjobs.) The Raised Hand and Handshake can both start or end something. And the Black Heart is useful as a visual barometer of how you feel, all the time, after being on the receiving end of some inferior dick.
Thank God they added Harambe! Just kidding, too soon, etc. Uh, do whatever you want with the animal emoji, because I am not here to tell anyone how animals do or don’t figure into your sexual fantasy life. I’d suggest keeping the Lizard and the Rhinoceros on your JV squad as stand-ins for the eggplant. And if you’re feeling particularly maudlin, a few Bats followed by your vagina emoji of choice will indicate nicely to your recipient just how long it’s been since you’ve received visitors in that department.
Now it’s time to get creative. Use the Shark to communicate to your person that you have your period and aren’t interested in showing them what it looks like. The Squid and the Shrimp are excellent penis stand-ins; the Squid is a weird one and the Shrimp is one perpetually limp and sort of clammy. What better way to recognize an orgasm than the Butterfly? And erectile dysfunction is that much more beautiful when you substitute a Wilted Flower for the offending member.
Instead of cobbling together a visual representation of your vagina using inferior emoji, may I present the Kiwi and the Avocado as worthy substitutes? And, since life is not full of men with eggplant emoji penises, feel free to use the Potato, Carrot, Cucumber and Peanut to more accurately represent the cornucopia of dong that’s out in this world.
The Croissant and the Baguette are clear stand-ins for inferior dick: crumbly, buttery pastries that lose structural integrity when hit with any sort of moisture. That Stuffed Flatbread and the Shallow Pan of Food are metaphorical representations for the vagina that are so perfectly constructed that it seems sacrilege to use them for anything else. Feel free to use the Green Salad as an invitation to Sweetgreen or an invitation to eat ass. Your call. There’s nothing sinister lurking with the Bacon and the Egg, though. They are what they are.
None of these are useful for actual sexting, even if you think really hard about it. You could maybe make an argument for the Spoon, but I’d like to look at the Glass of Milk, Clinking Glasses and Tumbler Glass as nice things to drink after you’re done with whatever nastiness you’re doing.
Use that Stop Sign when you want things to stop. duh. Use that canoe as a subtle indication of just how wet things are in your downstairs. The Motor Scooter and Scooter are two things that make an everyday task(walking) easier and fun, just like your vibrator! See what confusion you can sow and let me know how that goes.
Finally, a clear way to rate the people you’re boning as succintly and rudely as possible!
Instead of using the horse emoji to stand in for condoms, be blunt and send them the Boxing Glove to show you really mean business. No glove, no love and also I’ll punch you in the downstairs if you try to slip it in without its outfit on!
Thank god there’s now a Karategi emoji, which works nicely as a stand-in for “Bring me my robe or that weird towel over there so I can leave this room and go to the bathroom in peace.”
“Can you do a split on a dick?” is a question that hangs heavy in the hearts of many. It’s also a pain in the ass to text. That’s what this Person Doing A Cartwheel emoji means and I won’t hear anything otherwise.
The Wrestlers are for sex that is particularly athletic, homosexual or rough and tumble. That Water Polo player is an over-eager aficionado of oral sex who may or may not have a pussy snorkel in his messenger bag. The Handball dude is a stand-in for that one guy who only does it doggy-style and makes you stand against a wall. The Fencer puts on Miles Davis and has a penis that looks like an épeé. Send someone the Goal Net when you’ve gotten yours and are ready for bed. And, I anticipate the Juggler to come in very, very handy for situations that involve a lot of balls in the air, including threesomes, orgies and busy weeks at work.
Original by Megan Reynolds
