I recently came to the conclusion that, when it comes to my love life, I don’t quite yet know what I want. Actually, it’s more that I want a lot of different things, depending on the day, the hour, the minute, and those things are often conflicting. On one hand, I love being single and being able to have sex with whoever I want to (so long as they also want to have sex with me, obviously). The last few years of being single have allowed me to explore different sides to my sexuality through various partners, and I’m much more of a chameleon in bed than I ever thought. On the other hand, I also desire commitment, monogamy and the fun and growth that comes with developing true intimacy with a long-term partner. I have not found that partner yet, so while I remain wide open to meeting him (I identify as straight, in case that wasn’t clear), I’m content to have more casual fun in the meantime. But while I patiently wait for love and get laid when I feel like it, there’s one thing that’s missing, something that I long for far more than a boyfriend to come home to or a hard dick to fuck:
I am a cuddle monster. I could spoon all night long. My head feels so at home atop a man’s chest, his heart pounding in my ear, our legs entwined, even as the crick in my neck worsens and his arm goes numb beneath me. I/we don’t need to be naked. We don’t even need to be two people who have sex, honestly. I could cuddle for hours on the couch, watching TV, talking, not talking, eating snacks, whatever. I just fucking love to cuddle.
It’s strange though as I’m not the most physically affectionate person. I’m not a big hugger, kissing people on the cheek often feels awkward because I never know if they’re going to do one, two, or, god forbid, three, and the only hands I’m really, really interested in holding are tiny little baby hands gripping my fingers. I’ve never been a gal who snuggled with female friends or told everyone and their mom “I love you.”
But goddamn, I love to cuddle. I love the feeling of big, strong man arms wrapped around me. And by the way, basically all arms feel big and strong to me when we’re locked in a cuddling embrace; you don’t need to be ripped to be my dream cuddler. My dream cuddler is just down to stay awhile, readjusts when his arms start to cramp instead of pulling away, and puts his cheek against my hair and tells me it smells good. I miss having someone to cuddle with. I’m disappointed when things are going well with a dude, the sex is great and then I’m like, “CUDDDDDLE TIME!” and he’s all, “Yeah, no, that’s not my thing.” My face literally turns into the saddest available emoji.
If I’m comfortable enough with you, I’ll force you to cuddle me. A fuck buddy of mine on the West Coast knows I charge a five-minute cuddle tax for every roll in the hay (let’s be honest, it’s a win-win for me). “Cuddle me,” I’ll order, until he nestles around me with an exaggerated sigh. “Five minutes. You know the drill.” Shit, I’ll even be the outside spoon. It’s cool. I’m secure if you are, dude.
My dog Lucca does her best to satisfy my craving for cuddles, but her warm little 20 lb. body sleeping next to mine, while wonderful (especially since it allows me to obsessively check her breathing once or twice a night like the nutty dog mom that I am), is just not the same for obvious reasons. She’s a dog, and this is about human-to-human contact. So what’s a gal to do? I don’t want a boyfriend just for the cuddles, though I do think if you find someone whose body fits perfectly around yours, you should consider it a sign that there might be something special. It’s not everything, by any means, but it is something.
And fuck buddies aren’t necessarily much good for cuddles either, as I think we associate cuddling with intimacy and feelings. Fuck buddies are terrified of feelings, but it’s not that I have feelings, I just have a cuddling itch that needs to be scratched! Even when I can badger them into it, it’s not as good as someone who really wants to be there, cuddling the hell out of me until one of us says, “Ugh, fine, I guess we should probably get up now and face the world.”
So yeah. What I’m looking for relationship-wise is in flux. But every night I go to bed wondering when I’ll next have someone to cuddle, and every morning, I wake up a little bummed that there isn’t an arm around my waist and a whisper in my ear saying, “Five more minutes.”