I have been achingly cool for almost as long as I can remember, but circa fifth and sixth grade was the absolute low point of my coolness. I know it’s hard to imagine, but I was really, really lame — I’m talking Hot Topic wardrobe, greasy hair, Transitions lenses … it was a rough couple of years. I was weird, and nobody wanted to middle school date me at a time when everyone was middle school dating, and I felt like a total loser. SUCH a loser! But a new study found that early-starting kids who began “dating” at an average age of 11.6 years were reported twice as likely to engage in abnormal or delinquent behavior as on-time (about 12.9 years) adolescents and late bloomers (14.9, holllllller), so maybe I’m better for it? Just kidding, I also engaged in these behaviors myself, but I am a scientific anomaly and also not a part of this study.
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My real question is, what is this “dating” at age 11.6? I have no firsthand account, so I can only imagine it is limited to the awkward conversations across hallways and uncomfortable, clammy “hand-holding” that I served only witness to. Are these children allowed at one another’s homes? Don’t these kids have parents? Speaking of parents: parents, do not EVER purchase Transitions lenses for your school-aged children. Do you know what they call that? They call that FATES WORSE THAN DEATH. Social suicide, I’m telling you.
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