Scientology nerd that I am, not much about “Going Clear” was hugely revelatory to me, although I thought it was a chilling and fantastic documentary that presented the disturbingly wackadoo Scientology narrative in a way that was pretty thorough and utterly engaging. One thing in particular stuck out to me, however, something I had heard and read before but hadn’t really taken the time to really consider the implications of. At a certain point in the film, former Scientology executives Mike Rinder and Tom DeVocht are talking about how CoS leader David Miscavige used to listen to Tom Cruise’s auditing sessions for his own shits and giggles, divulging details to them that he found particularly mock-worthy, like Cruise’s “perverted” sexual activities with then-wife Nicole Kidman.

Which got me thinking: What could those perverted activities be? What would David Miscavige, a macho, egomaniacal creep, find “perverted,” but not in a “fuck yeah, bro!” sort of way? What could Tom have been up to that DM would consider worthy of mocking?

DUH. Pegging!

Allow me to walk you through my thought process on this, but first, a few assurances:

1. I do not think there is anything wrong with pegging. I guess it’s sort of perverted, but I mean perverted in a good way. Honestly, I am totally down to peg a dude myself someday — shoot me an email if you’re hot and interested and have a nice butthole.
2. I do not feel the slightest bit bad about speculating about Tom Cruise’s sexual life, and not just because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with Nicole Kidman putting on a strap-on and fucking him up the ass. I don’t feel bad about it because Tom Cruise is a garbage human who has willfully ignored and benefited from human rights abuses by the “Church” he is so proud to be a member of. The fact that this very same Church has allowed details of his “private” auditing sessions to leak and thus leave them open to speculation is, well, his problem. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Okay, now on to my theory. First, we need to address the big gay elephant in the room which are the longstanding rumors that Tom Cruise actually digs men. I can already hear some of you crowing, “Yeah, but isn’t Tom Cruise really gay? He’s probably just doing gay stuff ! Boooooring.” But you’re wrong. Tom Cruise is probably not gay. I’m not going to say he’s definitively not gay, but it’s worth noting that of all the people who were actually privy to Tom Cruise’s auditing confessions, not a single one has ever given any weight to the Cruise-is-gay rumors — though “Going Clear” spent plenty of time discussing the tabloid rumors about John Travolta’s gay activities. Frankly, I am much more inclined to believe that Tom Cruise is closer to asexual, or just not a particularly sexual person, period. Based on everything I’ve read, I think the relationship he had with Nicole Kidman was a genuinely loving one, romantic too, which makes their split really the only thing that tugs at my sympathies, but I just don’t really see Tom as being really down to fuck. This is a guy who almost joined the priesthood and once told a reporter that his favorite way to romance then-girlfriend Penelope Cruz was to “draw her a bath.” Dude is so flaccid it hurts.

Nicole Kidman, on the other hand, well, I’d like to leave my theories on her mostly out of this, but let’s just say that she strikes me as someone with a healthy sexual appetite who definitely has more than a few secrets she’d like to keep under lock and key. (She hasn’t stayed silent all these years to be polite.) I imagine that Tom was down to do his part to keep her happy in the bedroom, and that one such manner would be to allow her to dominate him in bed. I mean, can’t you picture it? Go ahead. You don’t even have to try do you?

But really, the biggest piece of evidence is David Miscavige’s reaction to Tom’s auditing admissions. Mocking him? Laughing at him? Calling him perverted? If Tom Cruise got off on, like, double penetration or being a dominant or any other seemingly macho-approved sexual activity, DM would likely either keep it to himself or be somewhat admiring of his sexual prowess, not poking fun at him. No, Tom was up to something in that bedroom of his that made DM feel superior to him, and goddammit I am damn near sure that activity was being pegged by his much-taller wife, Nicole Kidman. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.

The only other option I’m really willing to consider is that Tom Cruise was down to strap on a diaper and pop in a pacifier and be Nicole’s adult baby, but I’m not ready to go there. Feel free to spread either theory far and wide.